silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bs i avoid talking to him. i avoid seeing him. i feel too much and i feel like i am crazy, always. i believe that the only way i can control it is to stay away from him. which is quite possibly the most difficult thing for me these days. i am probably better at doing a root canal than staying away from him... i went to pedo this morning and saw that it was indicated for me to do a pulpotomy today on the kid i had, and i was like greeeeeaaat... because i still felt a little leftover high from last night, so it took me a minute to get to it. but the tooth ended up not needing the pulpotomy, so it was okay. i am recently obsessed with the song 'making love out of nothing at all' by air supply. thanks to carlos. i'm probably going to fall asleep soon here. i'm pretty tired for some reason, but i want to stay awake and alert to study. i think i will give in though and take a little nap for once. i'll set my alarm though. i talked to my little sister about the R situation. my status with him. i really hate having to pretend. the thing is, he is not so beyond amazing that i should be obsessing over him. he is an average guy. he is a slacker like me, he doesn't care, he is an alkie like me.. he's just fun and makes me happy. except he also has this way of making me sad. terribly sad... i'm so tired right now. i want to love him. i want to be beside him. why do i have to go through days not talking to him? why do i insist on torturing myself? it is because he tortures me more. i love him. and he tortures me. i don't think it pans out the way it should. i am eagerly waiting for next sunday when i am leaving. he leaves on saturday, and that helps. i don't know what to say to him. a part of me really wants to tell him how i feel, what i want, what i expect, if anything. i expect him to accept me. i am lovable. i am kind, i am loving. when i have someone, i dedicate my heart to them. no questions asked. JN made a comment that he wondered what i look like when i wake up in the morning. and all i could think of was R and how he looks as he sleeps peacefully. i don't like not being over there. i don't like avoiding and preventing, just to not start anything up. maybe i can get him this weekend to talk to me. i want to tell him that he needs to stop this nonsense and just give in to me. there is absolutely no reason that we shouldn't be together, except that i'm crazy, but that's a technicality.. i want to love him, i want him to love me. simple as that. i dont know what i'm thinking. i'm tired though.. so we'll see. i'm actually getting delirious right now. okay, 1 hour nap... 7:15 p.m. - 2009-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||