silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blockbuster? memories are the devil's movies. another line from a poem of mine. i truly hate memories. i hate remembering what it feels like to be hurt by certain people. but i need it. i need to know those feelings so i don't allow myself to become weak and susceptible to similar actions. i don't want anyone to walk all over my emotions. i don't want R to get the best of me. but he always will, won't he? he just... exists. he's just there. always. always, always, always. i want to be chill. i want to disregard anything that pulls me towards him, towards wanting to talk to him or to hold him or to be beside him. i don't want it. i don't want any of it anymore. last night we were watching slumdog millionaire with TC, and we were smoking hookah and relaxing from being out at the club. this was actually probably around 2 a.m. anyways, the boys were discussing how there's that one person, who makes it all worth it. and R said that he has someone back home, who his parents told him not to date or so but now they like her. but that he has some person there. i know. i am nothing to him. i am... i don't know what i am to him. but why am i what he makes me to him? does that makes sense? i mean that whatever it is, whatever or whoever i am to him, why is it? because it's not fair to fuck with my mind like this, it's not fair to act like you care, it's not fair to be everything i want and everything i can't have at the same time. it's not fair. and thinking about it right now makes me want to vomit. my stomach really just turned at the memory of their conversation last night. and even at the memories of us last year. or even a few months ago. i have a strong desire to cry. i haven't had a good cry in a while. but i'm going to stifle that feeling but let it happen later tonight. i must stifle because i promised my favorite person JK that i would bake her some chocolate chip cookies by 8. it's time to bake. 7:31 p.m. - 2009-09-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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