silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...we all need to be someone's baby" Too many thoughts floating around me, too difficult to find one to claim at the moment. I am still searching for a second job. My financial situation dominates the vast majority of my decisions. Family drama is reaching for attention as well, as my little sister asked if she and her almost 5 year old could move in with me "temporarily", supposedly for a weekend or maybe a couple weeks "at the most". Of course I say yes, because I would never turn my sisters down. And, if this isn't clear already, I have a one bedroom apartment. And I very much enjoy my freedom and independence, and the lack of a roommate. Much less a five year old roommate. I digress? No..actually, that's quite on point. But who knows...it may or may not happen, but of course if need be, I have a decent amount of living room space available until she gets her shit together. The bad thing is, she honestly never has it together. Times like this I wish I had my house. Which I will start looking for again soon. I like my apartment but it is obviously not spacious enough, nor long term. I have become a lot closer to the guy ML who I was interested in. Unfortunately, he comes with a tremendous amount of emotional and personal baggage. He is battling way too many demons of the past, and any attempts to extricate him from drowning in the omnipresent pain of the past has proven unsuccessful. We have gone out a couple times, and although I care about him, I realize I have to back off from getting any real emotions towards him because he isn't anywhere near emotionally available, nor does he seem to realize that he isn't ready. He honestly doesn't seem aware whatsoever that I am attracted to him. It's like he zoned in on the friendship and embraced it. And although he is an awesome guy...I have enough guy friends. But I quickly realized as well that he is fairly broken and lost, and I tend to care well for those in need, and so I have altered my intentions and no longer am letting myself have the emotional pull towards him, but instead am focusing on helping him pull through his issues. I do care for him, and I felt compelled to know him in the first place, so I am fine with taking him as I can for right now. If it stays as a platonic friendship, so be it. I don't want to ignore my attraction to him, but I can if I have to. Especially if he doesn't seem to get it. Who knows. That's where I stand. And so I come to another realization that, once again, I am the damn friend. I'm tired of being the damn friend. I'm tired of the guys I like are unavailable in some form or another, or the guys who like me are married or in relationships or ignorant somehow. There is no balance. There is no in between. There is no resolve. He says that I am like his angel, and that he is so happy that I came into his life, and that he has longed for someone like me to come around. I have talked to him every day for the last month or so. He has told his whole family about me. He wanted me to meet his younger siblings, and I did a couple days ago. He thinks I am motivating and inspirational and that I can be a good influence blah blah. I keep telling him that I am just a regular girl, but he has me on some kind of unwarranted pedestal just because...well, that's the image he has of me. Not that I am amazing, but just because I tell him that he can do whatever he puts his mind to and be who he wants to be, because I suppose I did. Except I obviously don't have it easy, but he doesn't seem to catch that because he only grabs the details that he wants to about me, and then focuses all conversations back to his issues. It's kinda exhausting. I don't mind being a counselor, I've been one to basically all of my friends. But it's tough and kinda sucks to go into something hoping to build a different type of relationship, and finding oneself in another. Such is life though. And it continues. I shall stay as I am and accept and forever embrace my friendships. However.. "It doesn't matter how hard, how tough we are... 10:31 p.m. - 2012-03-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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