silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- T minus I read Postsecret every Sunday, pending I remember. When I get to the bottom, I see the list of fb friends I know who are also PS followers. I see the silly, goofy face of the never to be changed profile picture of my friend who ended his life last year on his birthday, which would make next Sunday the one year mark. I still feel...something..every now and then. Sad? Somber? I don't know. I feel something, and I always remember the date, because his birthday was one that I already had memorized. Sometimes I think about it, about him, and I cry. I didn't know him as well as some of my other friends did. I don't feel like I have the right to say anything sometimes. So I don't talk about it with anyone. I don't tell anyone about my feelings in the first place as it is, but this is another level. I'll do something though, next Sunday. Something simple. Even if it's just saying a prayer in the wind for him. This makes me think about other people and death. I don't want to think about that. I just turned off the news. It was a series of stories of car crashes, bike crashes, fires, all leading to death. It's all too common these days. Of course it happens, but the violence and accidents...it's too much. This city saddens me. This world saddens me. I saw a post on insta yesterday, by nasa, about the galaxy and other galaxies, and how small we are. It is amazing to think about how tiny and finite and insignificant we are in the long run, but so significant now. And what is our purpose, our individual purposes? And all this work, all this struggle, everything in life, our relationships with others, attempts at bettering oneself, attempts at helping others, caring for others, everything...why, and for what return? My big issue is wondering why I expend energy caring for certain people who clearly do not equally care about me. And determining my own self worth in the process. I do not intend to be oddly self-reflective. I just came here thinking about that friend. Then I think about others. Those who care, those who do me wrong. Those who I have wronged somehow along the way... Yea, I'm not perfect. That's obvious. I am working on myself though, and I have been hiding away, keeping away from the influences that contribute to my poor choices. Not so much to be evasive, but to help me see...help me decide. Who do I want to be a part of my life, and why? And if this person has wronged me and others, why entertain the thought of a friendship? Cut some friendships off. Some people are not friends, and undoubtedly do not deserve to be anything beyond that. So anyways. I am moving this week. The house is basically finalized. I sign on Tuesday, and I get the key later that day, and will commence my transition the following day. I am excited for this new part of my life. I feel like after I move in, I can begin to live much more comfortably. I am looking forward to the end of this week. I do not look forward to working this week, but what can I do about that? I desperately need a vacation, I feel like I've mentioned this every entry of late. I will book it out soon. Maybe just a nice week off in July. I can't even think about that right now. Move, fix myself, start living the way that I want to. Out of this damn apartment (that has treated me just fine, but I'm over it). Away from the loud, inconsiderate, transient neighbors with their 3 a.m. music blasting. There is no sad goodbye to this place. I don't give a fuck about leaving. I'm mostly packed and ready to go. It's a very peaceful world without looking on fb, btw. Sure, I don't get to witness the slew of birthdays and event invites, but I don't ...care... I may have mentioned this before, but I have a great time not knowing or caring what people are up to. I just don't care. At all. On that note, it is bedtime. Past bedtime. Good night. I'll have more to say after Tuesday. Good night for now. 11:19 p.m. - 2016-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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