silver4's Diaryland Diary

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thank you

because of you, i listened to tori amos (which i'm listening to right now), bought the old korn cd (although it was stolen from my car later), loved tool even more, learned about our lady peace and love them too (i saw them in concert a couple times but seriously, they need to get back on it), have a liking for unicorns with broken horns (they are still unicorns, not horses), developed an appreciation for the long, quiet, peaceful drive back from a shitty day of work at the Galleria. And i don't remember why, but i started always listening to fiona on the way home... i think it was her cd though, not yours. I loved that incubus song, but ended up having to hate it because it brought me too much pain. after a while, it felt full of lies. i'm gradually allowing it back into my life. the picture you drew has been framed since you gave it to me, and it rests on my wall, and i finally got a tattoo of the version of it on the lateralus cd on my back. because of you, i believe that everyone is fair game, but naturally, i'm the one who gets screwed in a concept like that. because of you, i ate more, and after you, i ate less again. but i'm good now. i got a good amount of poems out of me after you were gone, and you taught me how to have hope and lose hope. your opinion on me taking one class turned into my career choice, and it's an absolutely wonderful choice, thank you for helping me see that it wasn't a stupid class to take... you allowed me to be open and vulnerable and reach out, and for a brief moment, i even held your hand.
because of you, i was fucked up for a long time. sometimes i think that i still am. but from the looks of it, you may have gotten fucked up as well. not that i wish that upon you at all. really, though.
because of you, i have had someone to compare others to, and for some stupid ass pathetic reason, you are still the baseline. i got to actually experience the tingling feeling inside that they talk about in books and movies that i thought i would never feel. apparently it's true and it does happen. and you made me hate the phrase "no promises".
and now? i have no idea. but i go back and forth between moments of peace and disturbance. lately there's been a lot more peace. i think it's my surroundings. and i've stopped. i have just stopped, and opened my eyes, and looked around. and walked around. and thought around. and i'm trying, i'm reaching out, i'm stretching myself out thin. i keep trying to breathe. but shouldn't that come naturally? i have so much wishful thinking, and i'm just waiting, waiting, for it to stop, because i don't want that anymore.
and i don't know why i'm thinking of this. it just comes back to me every now and then
is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before? i don't know. i don't think so. i hate that fuckin saying. but i love this one: every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.
and each minute i try.

3:36 p.m. - 2009-05-03

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