silver4's Diaryland Diary

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i just wasted a beer...

...because i thought it would help. i thought if i pounded it, really quickly, that it would possibly give me a small sense of relief, but i feel nothing. i need more, and it was my last beer. i could potentially open a bottle of wine, but there's no way i would be able to finish that tonight, because ideally, i should be going to sleep soon.
i feel a disturbance, and i'm agitated, i'm irritated, i'm nervous. i'm thinking too much, i'm thinking about all this shit i have to do and how much it bothers me really that none of it will be accomplished. i hate how intensely i am failing at this. it's not failing, not entirely, but my acceptance of the whole situation is only now starting to bug me, because there's so much that i should've done before, stupid opportunities that i just blow because of insecurities and not feeling ready for it or whatever the bullshit is. and now? i'm awake, i'm irritated, i'm annoyed. i'm trying to calm my mind with the usual mechanisms, the usual techniques, but all i can think about is the more, the more i crave, the more i want, the more i need to make this feeling go away. because sleep doesn't help. sleep is nothing at a time like this, i need more. i need to alter my mind. or i need.. i need peace, and i know one could help give me peace, but he's asleep right now, and i cannot disturb him. and he wouldn't want to help me right now. i'm listening to it all, i'm listening to the usual, and the words are only helping so much. i want too much right now. i wish i had more beer, i wish i had some vodka or tequila, or something to just down and close my eyes.... and relax.
if someone could please just do me a fuckin favor here. i don't ask for much.. or i ask, but i don't expect. i can't expect anything. i'm so used to this by now. but i am experiencing an undesirable tachycardia. what do i do? i'm so tired of this. i can't save anything anymore, i'm fucked, i'm fucked, i'm fucked... i am requesting somebody to please step forward, take my hands, and tell me that it's okay. i could also go for a hug. that could help, that could definitely help right now.
can i please have friday? because i have now gone two weeks without a friday, and i could use one right about now.
and what is the issue right now? i'm confused.
shrouding all of the ground around me/ is this the holy crow above me?/ black as holes within a memory/ and blue as our new second sun/ i stick my hands into the shadow/ to pull the pieces from the sand/ try attempt to reassemble/ see just who i might have been/ i do not recognize the vessel/ but the eyes seem so familiar/ like phosphorescent desert buttons/ singing one familiar song:/ "so good to see you/ i've missed you so much/ so glad it's over/ i've missed you so much/ came out to watch you play/ why are you running away?/ came out to watch you play/ why are you running away?"

i wish i had another beer. this isn't fair, i don't want to feel this way right now. but it's okay, it's starting to clear up, clear away. i'll be feeling better soon. my heart is slowing back down now

1:54 a.m. - 2009-05-05

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