silver4's Diaryland Diary

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the vicious cycle

so i had my friday, finally. went out to dinner with one of my girls and then rushed back out to go to the club. i had fun, the place is talked up a lot, but it didn't impress me any more than any other place out here. i'm used to vegas clubs, so anything else i see is just sub-par. not bad, but nothing that i'm actually going to go crazy about; it's just another club. anyways. i immediately start pounding drinks because my goal for the night was to pretty much get fucked up, and i did succeed at that. after a while though, towards the end, i start getting messed up and tired, still good, but i'm looking around and seeing just how alone i am out there. i am the only one like me in my vicinity. i did see a couple other black girls there at some point in time, but they looked like they didn't enjoy it. and i should be used to this, i'm fine being around everybody, but if we could just mix it up a little bit more. it's annoying, and when i'm drunker, i feel it more, and i hate it more, and i want to get out of there more. and right as i was standing there in the middle of the dance floor, observing my friends all paired up and dancing and smiling and laughing, i was thinking to myself, 'i have to leave now. i don't want to be here anymore.' and then some miraculous guy dancing at the side grabs my hand and pulls me to dance, and i needed that. i was starting to lose it, and bless his heart, i think he saw the lost look in my eyes. so i had fun with him for a while, and then comes R, and he pulls me away from the guy, so i can dance with him again instead. and that wasn't the first time that night. i was dancing with a couple other guys earlier, because i felt like 'fuck it, i don't care, i'll dance with whoever', because usually i come with my friends and i dance with my friends, but i felt like not rejecting guys this time.. anyways R did the same thing, came up when i was talking to or dancing with others, and he tried to pull me away or get my attention. granted, yeah, he was drunk, so probably no intentions or jealousy. i don't know what it is, because i really don't feel the way that i did before, but there were a few moments when we were so close to eachother, and all we can do is just look at eachother, and let the moment go. so close, i could just kiss him right there... i cannot count how many times these moments happen with us, it's so frustrating because i will never take the chance. if he were any other guy, and if there weren't the issues that we've had, i would've just taken it, because i can do that with other people. i can be bold and i can be forward, because that's how i want to be. but with him, i just hold out, because i know that it's nothing, and i just need to get over it. but then after the club, yet again, when we get back home, i go over to the boys place where they're just laying down passing out, ending the night, and he opens his arms and pulls me in to sleep beside him, as always. i'm comfortable there. sometimes that's where i want to be when everything is shaky. i can lay there and get close and we'll hold on to eachother, and not a word is said; it just gets passed off as another night. and then i wake up in the morning, say bye, and walk down the hall to my room. it's so routine, i've stayed there so many times when i could've just stayed at my own place. i don't know if he has this desire to torture me.. i'm hoping that's not it. but that's what it comes to. we play off of one another very well, whether sober or drunk. i think we just make it make sense. we make it fun. but i know what it looks like from the outside, because i know what i've been told, and i know what i can see if i step outside of myself as well. and i like the way it looks. but it's just another lie. who knows. maybe i'll see what happens next weekend, but i'm pretty sure it will be the same thing. it's such a fun game we play. or maybe i'm the only one playing... i guarantee it's not mutual. just because.
on another note, we had an event here yesterday and i actually got to talk to d2, more than we've spoken in a while. i don't know what it is, i think it's because i've been getting closer to one of his friends lately, and i know he's undoubtedly aware of it, but he acknowledges me a lot less now. but this guy isn't a threat, he's married, and i'm not interested. i'll flirt, of course, but i won't initiate anything. which is why it was strange that d2 even came up to me yesterday. he saw the tattoo on my back and he asked me if i've always had that one, and i sort of laughed and said no, i got it during the last break. and he asked seriously? umm.... i'm pretty sure he saw all of me when we slept together. if he saw the one on my lower back, i doubt he would've missed the one on top. but it wasn't there when we hooked up, which is why i laughed, as in hello, seriously? you of all people should know that it wasn't there a couple months ago. but i didn't call him out on it. we chatted for a while. i still think he's attractive and fun, but i won't try to initiate anything with him anymore either, because he's so unresponsive, i'm not going to make a fool of myself. sigh. i should be studying. i shouldn't be on here right now.

7:16 a.m. - 2009-05-10

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