silver4's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

memories are...

there's a lot of things that annoy me. like people. a lot of people get on my nerves, and when they talk to me, i have to make an effort to deal with the nonsense they are about to say...
i realize that i'm not a very nice person. people think that i'm so sweet or something. i present myself that way. i have to, it's the nature of my career choice, my path. i want to help people, so i have to be nice to them, right? i'm a terrible person. i'm easily annoyed, and i'm bitter. i hate when people talk to me about stupid stuff. i don't have the patience.. but obviously i have to. obviously to me, not to you, whoever may be reading this.. which may well just be me either way. i don't know if i ever say anything that would be interesting for anyone else to read. whatever. writing helps me. it helps calm my anger issues. i don't know why i stopped before. well, yes i do. i stopped writing when everything went wrong. it all went downhill and i was emotional and going crazy, and the memories became so overwhelming that i couldn't bear to read them anymore or write them down anymore. but then everything stayed inside, and i started to explode.. so here i am. i just need something to make me happy. i need something to keep me at bay. i'm going to miss these people after i graduate. no friendship is perfect, but i have some people here who make everything worth it, who make me happy and feel semi-wanted. or something like that. they are my escape. then i go back to vegas, and there is the reality of it all, and the worries and complications and stresses and obligations. it's going to be different. i wonder how i will have to change. i'm so accustomed to my independence, but then i will go back to a world where everybody is paired up and loving one another and creating futures, and i still have to find someone...if i want someone. i know that i will want someone down the line. if somewhat lonely already as it is, but at least school is a good distraction for some of it.
i'm waiting for the day that i am important to somebody. i'm a good person. i'm crazy, i know i've acknowledged that previously. i'm mean and irritable, but i'm a sweetheart and i want to open up and care for somebody. i would've done anything for T. i don't know if he knew that. he knew that he had my heart, i'm sure. and D1.. he lost it. he didn't know how to show me that he cared. i don't want to dwell on that shit. everyone makes mistakes. i feel bad that its-- crap, i lost my train of thought. it's because it's 1 am now and my eyes keep closing on me. time to set the alarms for 6:30. yeah, i'm dozing off. okay, no more writing until this test is done. unless something amazing happens that calls for my attention. i doubt it.

12:40 a.m. - 2009-05-14

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next