silver4's Diaryland Diary

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admit

went out last night, the usual, had fun, drank, danced, partied.
got back and went to the boys' place, as always. and we hung out, played around, drank, the usual again. so i'm nice and drunk and at the stage where i start passing out, so i go to R's room and a few of us are there. i pass out on the bed and people dwindle away over time, as i noticed when i woke up and no one was there. so R comes to bed and holds me, and asks what happened, and i'm like what? he asks what happened back home? and i say what? nothing. it's as if i can only be drunk and passing out when something bad has happened. so i ask him 'what is this? does something have to go wrong for me to drink? nothing's going on with my family right now. i was in a good mood, i had fun' and he pulls me in and says i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. and i'm quiet for a while. i ask why there has to be something always wrong, i didn't go crazy this time. and he apologizes again, over and over. i ask why would you say that to me? because he knows everything, i tell him everything. rather, i told him everything before things went to shit, and now i withhold a lot, but he still knows more than everyone else does about what's going on back at home and how it affects me. apology, apology, and then he says 'i like you. i REALLY like you.' and then it's just quiet. we're laying there, he's holding me, and my mind is bouncing between so many thoughts, of confusion, of irritation, a little buzzed still, and not entirely sure what to say next. because in my mind, he knows how i feel. he knows, everyone knows, everyone comments and questions me about us and i've never had to say it aloud. and in our silence, i just look at him with uncertain eyes. and then he kissed me.
finally
a short kiss and soft. and he stopped. no. i start kissing him. and then he says we should stop. so i stop. and then i start again. and then later again he says we should stop. and i ask 'why? why. why. it's just kissing.' i'm not going to do anything more, because i know he's not at that place. but i get no reason. so i say let's go to bed,
[quick pause. ahahah my roommate just got home and i'm half dressed in like a bra thing with a fishnet cover and jeans in the living room. and of course she has company. nice! i'm semi-decent though. haha]
and so i turn off the lights and i probably get one more little kiss in there, and he takes my hand and we stay close all night. and when he moved around and i had my hand away to the side or so, he reached over and grabbed it and pulled it around him and kept holding my hand all night. and at some point, he asks what's next for us. and i say i don't know. and that we'll figure it out.
and that's where we left off. he got a call in the morning and stepped out for a while, and i realized it was like 11 am already, and he wasn't back yet, so i came home. we'll see what comes of this. maybe nothing, because that's how it always goes with me. i never get who i want. and i've wanted him for a long time now.

1:50 p.m. - 2009-05-16

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