silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the sweet is never as sweet without the sour if i don't clear all of this up this week, i will go crazy. i hate that alcohol is such an easy excuse for everything. it's easy to say things when you're faded, inhibitions are gone, you're just that much bolder. you're allowed to say and do things, and then pretend nothing happened, or just allow complete disregard for any and everything. i don't know how to address the situation. it's not a situation. i just want to know if anything is going to come of this, or if i have to pretend once again that i don't care. i'm tired of that. i'm tired of all of this, and he makes me so frustrated. it's like my plan to be bold and forward with everything comes to a complete halt with him. anyone else, perfectly fine. nice and easy. but then it comes to him, and i'm fucked. i sit there with my mind racing and i'll be completely silent, or bring up something ridiculous and silly, just to avoid the obvious topic of conversation. at the end of last quarter, i had a speech. i knew exactly what i wanted to say to him. i said it to myself over and over and over again, it pathetically took over such a good portion of my day that i wasn't studying for my finals, because i was so preoccupied with getting it all said, and getting it said before leaving for break. and i had it down. i was nervous but i was ready. i am never nervous about approaching a guy. i go up to people, i say hey what's up, i want you, no problem. i can go up and get a number, or tell someone that i think they're hot and should let me come over. not a big deal. but what the fuck happens here with R? i can't do shit. i choke. i wimp out, and after all my self-prepping and understanding of the potential rejection, i still couldn't do it. so i wasted my time, i wasted my day when i should've been studying (like that's new. all i do is waste time when i should be studying. like right now.), and i just choke. why did i let this happen? why did i let him get to me? this could've been avoided. and the fact that i could not say anything convinced me that i should give up and step back and not let myself feel anything at all. but i fucked up. i even made a daily reminder for myself, never feel. because there was a period where i was feeling, for R, for d2, for whoever is the guy of the moment, and that messes me up. i don't need that, i don't want that. i can't handle having feelings, they never turn out in my favor. but i fucked up. or he fucked it up for me this time. because he told me that he cared. don't fuckin do that. don't say things to me. it messes with my mind. it alters my control. it has me on here rambling away my thoughts instead of cleaning up my disaster of a room. it has me on the computer seeing if you're online to chat, and you're not, and i wonder if i should go over there and see what you're doing, but i won't. because i have to pretend that i'm not affected? no. all these signals drive me crazy. i cannot keep going moment by moment here. my heart has already been put through a lot of shit with others, and definitely with him. i go crazy because of how much i care for him, and i keep shutting it away, but that only makes it worse because i shut, get a new man to distract me, and then he comes back, and it's the same strong feelings again. maybe stronger. because of all this damn false hope. or is it false? i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. give me an answer, please. and i tell him all the time that i love him. and he says the same to me. and we've made it so easy to say it to eachother, that it's just in passing, but dammit, i fuckin love him! what do i have to do?!? i have to clear this up with him soon or i will just have to continue my man spree. i have a couple other prospects, some that i know can pan out probably just fine. but i don't want to flirt. i don't want to smile and chat, and try to be cute and sweet to other guys when all i want is one specific guy. one person. but we just haven't talked about the other night, and i don't know really what to say. fuck it. i'll figure it out. 11:51 p.m. - 2009-05-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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