silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- circles carlos has the mr and mrs smith soundtrack on his itunes. it's a very peaceful, calming soundtrack, i like it. i was listening to it while i attempted to learn all there is to know about local anesthetics and the differences between them all. hopefully enough registered in this little head of mine, because the test is tomorrow, and i just need it to last until just before 9 a.m. not expecting too much here. so i'm a little torn on what i should do at this point. i feel like such a waste. i feel like i get nothing accomplished. i feel like R should not be a dick and should instead accept the fact that he should be with me. don't worry, i'm not one of those girls, who sits around in extreme denial thinking 'well, he's just playing hard to get. he really does like me' or some bs like that. i just personally believe that he and i have something more there, and it's been there for a long time, and i'm sort of tired of denying it. or ignoring it. the problem is that he is young. he is young and unexperienced and doesn't know how to deal with this kind of thing. and he will never really get the chance to be with who he wants to be with, because of his family and his religion. it's pretty much that whatever they tell him that he should do, he does it. he had told me before that his mom will be picking out his future wife or something. and i find that disheartening, because one should be able to experience love on their own accord, not simply because some person is presented and those are the rules. i value my independence. i value the fact that i can choose who i want to be with, granted that person accepts me as well. i don't know entirely how i want to go about this. i want to express my opinion to him about our situation (i know, i know. it's no situation. just let me talk this out though), and tell him how i feel, what i think, what i want... whatever that may be. cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion. i don't want to be quiet. i don't want my compassion to atrophy. but that's what i've sensed happen so many times. it's like the quote is a part of me, like everything else, it is all a part of me. i'm losing it again. can't do a sleep pill tonight, because i'm schedule to wake up in 3 hours anyways. good night. i can't think anymore. my mind is crashing. 1:49 a.m. - 2009-05-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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