silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- getting tired of this i ended up talking to R a few days ago, he brought up the subject of last weekend. it was a half ass attempt to straighten it out, but it's not really anything to straighten out. i hate the way he asked it though. what happened last weekend? a shitload of stuff happened, things always happen, it was another weekend of craziness just like every other weekend, just like this weekend was. my whole group just gets wild, we are not good at being modest with our habits. but we can't blame our actions on drinking, we weren't drunk at that time. anyways. i digress.. so he asked what happened, and i was like what happened?? because i thought we weren't going to talk about that, i figured it was over. i pretty much leave it to him, i don't want to push anything. but i do think that i would be happier if we got to be together but i don't know how that would be. i know that any relationship with him would be limited, because he won't have sex.. but i don't really need that. i don't want to fuck with his traditions and culture or whatever. unless he wants to. i don't know. i think we should be together. everyone's pairing up right now. some people are getting back together, one guy is not recently seen because i guess he has a girl. same with one of our girls, with her bf. i think in our big group there's only 3 of us who aren't in anything, and two of us should be together. in my opinion... haha. anyways, i leave it up to him, because he's the one who'd be uncomfortable with the change if at all. he's just not very relationshipy.. but he's happy that way so, what can i do? i can't force it. i can only accept what he wants. accept and accept and accept. so he said that he wants to have me more as a friend. can't we just have both, as a combo thing? i'm not going to fuck up the friendship. apparently it's indestructable because i/we have managed to fuck it up so many times already in this short time we've been friends. we had our momentary fuck up argument issue whatever, and that was pure torture, i was a wreck for weeks and we didn't talk at all. i don't know how he deals with me. i guess it's best that we don't get together because i'm such a mess for him to deal with all the time. so he said he wants to keep me as his friend more, and i said that's fine. but i still want to be the way i am with him. i still want to play around and be silly and tackle him and sleep over. i don't want to change that. i won't let that change. that's how we work and it works well. so that was 4 days ago, and i did stay over again. i didn't get to stay this weekend though because his sister is in town. she's nice, she's cute. i think she can tell that i like him though. everyone can tell. i try not to be obvious. i try to talk to him like everyone else does. apparently i fail miserably at it because everyone sees through it. he had some friend come over a month ago or so, and she called me out on it when we were at some club, just straight out said you like him, don't you? and i say why do you ask? fuck. people see through it, people ask me about us, people ask my roommate about us if they don't think that asking me will provide any truth. understandably. so we went out last night, with the sister and everyone, went to a friend's house first for a bbq and then came back here to play games and drink some more, then went out. we went to some strip club first. there was some girl there who made me think of my sister, in the sad way, like are you serious? this girl, her name was Curiosity, and she came and sat with us, but we weren't really trying to be there, they didn't serve alcohol and we're a bunch of drunkies. but the way she spoke made me think of my sister, it's so fake and forced, and that's how my sister has her everyday conversations as well as when she works i guesss. strip clubs fuck you up after a while. i personally don't think that girls should be working there for years on end like my sis has done. it's been at least 8 years, she's almost 29... oh shit next week. hm. anyways, my boy M bought me all my drinks when we finally got to the real club. i'm afraid that he might start liking me. we are close, we talk a lot, he throws his issues to me and i give him some clarity or whatever, but he got dumped by his long time girlfriend a month back or so, and he hasn't gotten it together yet. i think he wants a rebound girl, but i'm not the one. i would, but he's such a good, sweet, giving guy i would hate to do that to him. he couldn't deal with a girl like me. i wreck relationships for fun. i'm not top quality over here. but whatever. i danced with him a lot, but wanted to dance with R more. some other people were in town too, C's friends, and i danced with them. i just now remembered that one of them was all up on me, grabbing and all. funny. i don't care if it's people i know. have fun, play around. i'll never hook up though because i don't mess with friends of friends. there's too many of them, i prefer to just flirt and play. fuuuuuuck i have to call some patients. i hate calling patients. i should have someone do that for me. anyways. point of my story, and every story i ever have, is that i want him now more than ever, since he decided to "slip" and make me aware that we're on the same page. it's not fair that we can't just be together and leave it at that. so i make it my mission to make him love me. i don't know how. i've never succeeded at a mission like that. then again i've never tried. but i think it's time to start. this upcoming break though will fuck it up, because i won't get to see him. or maybe it will be in my favor, with the whole 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'... might just be bs. but i remember when we came back from the long break last year, when he came back. i was so happy. i jumped on him and gave him the longest hug, i didn't want to let go of him. i was so happy to see him. and i'm sure this time will be worse, because this time i'm in love with him. 6:02 p.m. - 2009-05-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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