silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if life hands you a lemon... ...put that shit away. grab some ice cream, heat up the fudge topping, add some maraschino fuckin cherries and make yourself a hot fudge sundae. because it's almost 2 am and i'm drunkish and since i can't go to in & out like i want to and get a burger right now, a hot fudge sundae is the best thing i can do for myself. also... OM my cab ride home from going out for my friend's bday was ridiculously sketch. 1) the light wasn't illuminated 2) the door handle was broken on the inside 3) the dude was like oh, blah and blah street? that's close, right? okay, so $6. 4) doesn't matter what the cross streets were, i still had to guide him there 5) i was pretty much cracking up because of it all, and had him drop me off maybe 10 mins before my spot 6) and he had to open my door from the outside. hahaha. i think, in this situation, loving it is all you can do... so earlier today, people made me feel a little bad about not going out. apparently i really am the person who always goes out and plays, and i'm not entirely sure what the reaction was to me not going. people were saying 'where were you', 'that's not like you', 'why weren't you out'... ... i don't want to love him anymore. i don't think i should. i am trying to stop. how do you stop caring? how do you come to the realization that enough is enough, and that now is the time to grasp the present... carlos is online. i must take a pause in life right now. he is like this invisible entity that provides me with itunes music... i should really figure out who he is. ha. fuck it. i'm buying it for myself. i can't rely on or wait for carlos anymore. i know that i am messed up. i know that i am too much. i know that i am always drunk and that i am always tempted to take more pills to ease myself into slumber. i won't do that now though. unless i realize that i need it. although it isn't a necessity. it is a newfound addiction. so. R. what do i do? i feel that he is realizing how much of a nut case i truly am. he knows that i am ridiculous. he knows that i am crazy when it comes to him. he knows that i am protective, perhaps over-protective, and over-loving. can you love someone too much? i know, i know. you are out there thinking what does she really know about love? believe me, i've had it. i may be completely screwed up right now, but i had it before, with T. i had one person who made everything worthwhile, who made everything make sense. he was my happiness and my escape. he pursued me and cared for me and was cool with my dad and gave me the eye picture and watched Tool videos together. i always wonder if given the opportunity, would i get back with him? or would he get back with me? love has an interesting power over you. you don't even realize it at the time. but it kicks in. it takes over. it smacks you in the face, like i would to someone who would cross me. perhaps not the best analogy. i'm hoping i get my point across, whatever it is. wow. i think i get the most diary entries when i'm drunk like this. i could see why people wouldn't be interested in following up with my life; there is no congruity among my entries. i miss loving him. i miss holding him. i don't think i'm allowed to hold him again. "when we walk down the street, we don't care who we see or who we meet. don't need to run, don't need to hide, cause we've got something burning inside." he knows i love him. sucks when the man has the upper hand. 1:42 a.m. - 2009-05-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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