silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i should stop drinking i am such a mess. i was pretty much a bum all day in bed, up until recently, as i once again went overboard last night. i was so flirty with all the guys, i am such a bad person. i keep being reminded of the things i did and said last night. i didn't do anything crossing any lines, but i pretty much alluded to things with everyone or something. i am a wreck when i am drunk. whatever. i hope that by this time, people can realize my bs. i don't know though. this just gets me into trouble, i hate it. i am definitely a lush, and i'm glad that school is over this week, because it is about time, i need to chill from this and these people. the good thing is, i didn't go crazy with R last night. but he did see me with all the other guys, so i don't know what his take is on that. i also don't know if i even care. the married guy JG seems to be a little forward with me, and i think it's about time he saw his wife, because being around me is not a good thing. i think he thinks too much of where our friendship stands, because yeah, granted, i was drunk, but i'm still very aware of what i do and say. i may have to be reminded of it the next day, but i know what i'm saying and who i'm saying it to. anyways, at some point i was talking to him and D2, which is always fun, and i do mean that in a sarcastic way, because it's hard for me to split my attention between the two. JG always looks like he has something to prove by being friends with me, and D2 always looks like he wants to be perceived as too cool or something. so i have to talk to both of them, and JG was saying that he knows what i'm thinking (which he doesn't. that is all part of the flirting, idiot). i'm not going to think anything that may compromise what shitty reputation i may have as it is. not that i should have a reputation. all i do is maybe flirt and tease. i only slept with D2 from the school, and i don't think anyone really knows save the handful of people i told. don't know if he told anyone. if he did, i would think JG would be one of those, but since he never says anything about it and keeps bringing D2 around, it makes me think he's completely unaware. he was surprised last night that i had D2's number when i took out my phone to call him. anyways, JG was pulling me onto him, to come sit with him, and he had his arm around me, my leg. he was playing with my hair and saying this and that. but people were all still around at this time, it was nothing inappropriate. we were sitting with R and MJ (which i'll get to soon). So R was overhearing our conversation, which is not really uncomfortable for me, but he was looking at us, possibly wondering why JG was being like that with me, knowing that he is married; or even why i was being accepting of his behavior. well, R, sorry but shit. i need a distraction so i don't become crazy lovey over you. anyways, at the end of the night, it was just me and JG, and he was saying how he wished he could be like me, which is actually quite laughable in my book. why anyone would want to be like me is beyond me. i'm guessing it's because of my semi-carefree lifestyle, the friends i have, my habits, my indifference, i don't know. whatever it is, i told him that i am indeed a terrible person and a wreck, and that he shouldn't want to be like me. i'm pretty sure that i am a bad influence to anyone around me. which brings me to my next story. MJ, poor MJ. i was ridiculously flirty with him, reminding him that i owed him a lap dance, and i was sitting on him and saying stuff i probably shouldn't have said, informing him that all i needed was pretty much his permission and i would tear him up. something along those lines. and he said that i have his permission. bah. i hate that. i hate how people play into me so well. i could never, ever mess with him, because he is too good of a person. if he were to get involved with me, it would mess him up, so bad. i am just a tease, just a tease. and i love it. but i fear it will get me into trouble soon. and i'm not looking forward to that. i'm either going to fuck up someone's emotions or i'm going to get fucked up myself... there's more to it with him, but i think i took that one too far i think. and so i texted him before i passed out, and i said that i'm a bad influence, and please forget or ignore what i said. and then there's CF. who every now and then, i think he has some interest in me. i mean, he tried to pull me into his room before, so that's the kind of thing that makes me think he has some interest. so i didn't make it any better by saying a lot of sexual innuendos to him and straddling him and saying more sexual stuff to him last night. which my roommate was kind enough to remind me of this afternoon. because i was wondering why he had texted me last night asking if he should come back over... and now i know. see. this is why i should stop drinking. i get really stupid and i lead people on or something. and then i pass out. perhaps ultimately it's just the desire to feel wanted. this stuff with R is a pretty shitty blow to my self-confidence. although it shouldn't be. he's young and in a different place than i am. and in the end, we could never be together, because it's pretty much not allowed, according to his family, culture, whatever bs it is. but until the day we part ways from here, i'm pretty sure i'll be wanting him. so he has another year of tolerating my overwhelming desire to be with him. i need a distraction. but these guys i have, or potentially have, or whatever it is, just aren't right for me. they couldn't handle me. but then again, i'm pretty sure R can't either, which is why he doesn't want to go forward with me. ass. no, it's okay. last thing, because i still would like to try to be productive at some point today: yesterday i was in pedo with my boy M, hanging out in the back room after a very interesting experience with my patient, and i was looking on my phone, checking my mail. and i had gotten an fb message from some dude, and i was like what? so i said aloud to M, dude, some idiot messaged me on fb asking who i am, and i said the name of the guy. and apparently it's a friend of M, and i was like whaaaat??? hilarious. so this dude pretty much is like hey, i don't know how i saw you on my fb, you're very pretty blah blah blah, i don't usually talk to random people but you're my exception blah blah blah, i feel like i've seen you before.... hilarious. so i'm reading this to M of course, and we're cracking up. so i respond and tell him that he's probably seen me on M's page and that's how he's seen me. -- interjection: i just got a request to come smoke again. i am such a waste-- so he responds again and says yeah, blah blah, a whole bunch of crap that is semi-indecipherable because he is using a shitload of slang and broken words, which i do not do, and it's pretty much annoying. like, seriously... use whole words. "maybe if you're takin, you got some cute sistas to introduce me to??" i was once again cracking up, as M and i were actively waiting in anticipation for his response to me. nevertheless, i added him as an fb friend, so whatever. i'll most likely see him when i'm hanging out with M in vegas, but i'm pretty convinced by his annoying grammar that i will not want to talk to him too much. but i will flirt and tease. of course. 5:08 p.m. - 2009-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||