silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i really have to study... ... but my mind is elsewhere. i was looking for something, and i was reading my old poems, mostly from 2001-2006 or so. i came across a couple that always hit me when i read them again. most of them are post-T. he really had an impact on me. and possibly continues to do so. i read the poems, even when i was with C or D, it didn't matter. i still compared everyone to him. scribbled on the side of one, years later, i have "why were you the reason I was okay?" i was a mess. not that i'm not now... but now i'm a different mess. back then i was sad. i starved myself for no reason. i enjoyed it. i pushed my limits. i burned myself. i had anger and self-hatred, for some reason. i wasn't ignored. i had men who wanted to be with me, even if just physically. i didn't have the emotional part though. and i was silent about everything. i kept to myself. i had my friends, i did my thing, i had my fun. but i never told anyone how i felt, because any time i tried, it was never well received. "when will the words stop asking for you?" maybe three years after we were over, that was written. the truth is, the words will never stop asking for him. and who was he? just a guy. just a guy who made me love him. only to never get the chance to love him wholly. what a shame. am i a wreck? i think too much about the past. but i don't want to change it. it made me who i am. but i don't think that the person i am is really that amazing. on the outside, people think i have it together. of course, i have to portray that. i smile and i play and i joke around, and i call for attention and try to be the life of the party, because somehow i got placed into that role. but this ultimate loneliness is pretty killer. i deserve more. i'm a hard worker. somewhere inside of me is a good person. i get it, i get it. i did bad. years ago, i did something bad. i ruined someone else's relationship. not single-handedly, but i get it. he started it though. does it have to follow me forever? is there a point where the guys who pay attention to me are not married? is there a point where the guys i want will want me back? i'm not hideous. i am young and energetic. i have been told that i am intimidating, that i give off too much of that strong woman vibe. so what? that doesn't mean i'm unattainable. i have a wonderful career ahead of me if i can manage to tolerate another year of school. i want to be strong and independent, but i also want someone to love me at some point. anyways. reminiscing on stupid poems and stupid memories. what a waste of time. i'll probably never see him again. i've almost accepted that. it's been 3 years since i last saw him, but i didn't say anything to him and i don't think he saw me. otherwise, it's been 8 years since we have spoken. too long to care anymore, i know. he just happens to take over a good amount of my poems, that's all. and i'm not searching for the ultimate relationship or trying to get married or anything. i just want to feel wanted again. that used to be a good feeling. 11:52 p.m. - 2009-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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