silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- last one.. until finals are done. i don't like this feeling. i feel unsettled, i feel disturbed. i woke up several times throughout the night, partly because i passed out forgetting to turn off the multiple alarms i had set for the previous night, so i had a series of alarms going off at 4:30, 5, 5:15, 6:30. when i finally got it straight in my head, i was able to turn off the alarm for 7, like it mattered at that point. i'm feeling delirious. and sore. the sore due to my recent run ins with the treadmill. much needed. should've stretched a little more though. hindsight. the delirium is coupled with confusion, because i still don't understand what exactly i did wrong, and i'm pretty sure he won't tell me anything. he prides himself on saying things directly, maybe trying to call you out on your "flaws", but then he won't follow it up and explain anything. he said that it was the excess. to which i agree. yes, i drink and go overboard. i drink too much. i drink too much that i can't even guess how many beers or cocktails i drink anymore in a typical night we go out. i used to be able to estimate, maybe 10 or so. now... no idea. but he leaves it like that. "nothing, it's just the excess". what am i supposed to do with that? give me some criticism. give me an example. he couldn't do that. or he wouldn't do that. and so it leaves me to speculate and assume it's maybe something that it isn't. i fear thursday night. i am afraid that i will become emotional and argue with him. only because i am. i am emotional over this. his issues with me keep impacting our friendship. and i ask other people. i asked MJ, i chatted with CF, i apologized to JG for keeping him up late that night, but nobody seems to have a problem with the way i was. everyone seemed happy and normal, like another day had passed. which it did. and the person i possibly interacted the least with is the one who has a problem with my "excess". i didn't do anything wrong. i was smiling. i was happy. i wasn't destructive, i didn't kick things around, i didn't punch anybody. i didn't cry and i didn't yell at him or anybody. i wasn't mean. i didn't do anything that i've done in the past that would indicate a call for concern, and yet and still, i am the bad guy again. so maybe it is true afterall. maybe he does hurt everything that makes me happy. what a shame. he's the one that makes me quiet and sad. sigh. i don't want it to affect me on thursday. i want to be happy. i really want to be happy, even if it's fake. he's the only reason i don't smile these days. it should be due to school and exams, but no. one person sets the tone. don't let it get to you, please... i had a dream, and he had so much animosity towards me. i am just unsettled, uneasy. i will make some coffee soon and prepare to study. So H. I saw him very briefly yesterday, but it was right before class, so i couldn't chat with him. but that look he gives me and that smile, and the pause he takes when we pass eachother, like we should stop and chat, it gets me every time. most people just say hi and keep walking, but he hesitates, and his hesitation grabs me. but then again, so does the fact that he may be married. which is moreso of a pull, in the opposite direction, than a grab. and M, the one person who i chat with pretty much all day every day. we talk a lot of shit together, we balance eachother very well. i guess his fiancee called him out on how much we talk to eachother. she has nothing to worry about. our chemistry is strictly platonic. plus i like the girl he's going to marry, she's sweet. they're planning on september. and i will be there, to mess up the single men there. i am still drained. okay, i'll wait until 9 to get started. my highlight though, of yesterday: i was in class, in which M was not; he was home instead. so i was chatting with him, and i said that he should really go to the afternoon session, it's REALLY interesting. his response: that is why i love him. he is my homie. 7:50 a.m. - 2009-06-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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