silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ladies and gentlemen; i survived thursday night. i know, i know. it was a little scary. didn't know if it would happen. my predictions ran slightly close to true. i maybe overdrank, but it was controlled.... to an extent. and i avoided R... to an extent. i went up to him to tell him that i was being good and i wouldn't overdrink because saving my friendship with him meant more to me than anything else and that i would prove to him that i wanted to save it. fortunately, i didn't go too wild on the cruise. i had fun, i interacted with several people, i didn't limit myself to being around him. i had an amazing time actually. JN... he was there and i had the fun that i had to have with him... crap. i'm tired. i always do this. i start writing but then iget too tired to finish. well, i only by chance woke up because i passed out on the couch and then came to my room. i had a long talk with R. i had to bring it up. and i let everything, or mostly everything, out. i told him how it made no sense to me. i told him how i end up working so hard to maintain our friendship and it shouldn't take so much effort, it shouldn't, and i'm tired of it. i told him that i feel like i didn't do anything wrong last weekend but that he makes me feel like shit, and that i spend so much time trying to make sense of it that it drives me crazy, and that i ask him to tell me so that i can fix myself and improve and become a better person, but his simplicity and vagueness make it impossible. this was all done when we got back home from the cruise, that he was starting to pass out, but i wouldn't let him because it was killing me. so i kept him up for over an hour plus more, so he could listen to me and talk to me and help me make sense of it all. so he reiterated the fact that we were raised differently, and that our views on certain things are different or whatever. it's such a cop-out to me. if you feel something, you feel it. he said that he sort of regrets what happened, but i said you can't regret it, because it didn't change anything with us. it didn't make anything worse or better or anything, it just happened. he said that he regrets it because he's supposed to not be like that towards anyone unless it's the girl he is going to marry, etc, bs. well, not bs, but whatever. i told him that he is the reason that i am sad and quiet, that when we have problems, it kills me so much inside, it makes me a disaster, it makes me a wreck. i told him that i don't get like this, that i don't cry over people, that i don't cry over friendships, that i don't have to put so much into it, that does it mean that i should give up because i'm so tired of pretending and trying to make it make sense and all. i can't think of all the details right now. but i got it out. i cried a little. i yelled at him a little, quietly. people came in and i pretty much turned bitch on them because i wanted them gone, because i had to talk to him. i told him that i hate going back and forth like this, that i can't handle the fluctuations of our relationship. i got him to finally explain what the hell was his problem with me. i told him that he had to tell me or else i couldn't make it better. and it was so hard to get it out of him. he's so guarded. it was a necessary talk. it was excruciating. it was all of the emotions i never want to have ever again, all wrapped into one. i told him that i always have to protect myself from him, that i have to pretend, because i know that he's going to call me out on something and that it's going to break it up again. i told him how much i want to leave, for the sheer purpose of getting away from it all. so it is decided that if he ever has a problem with me, he will tell me. and i'm supposed to put down my wall. and i'm going to stop going overboard, and i will tone down the drinking. he still didn't completely elucidate it all, but i know somewhat what his problem of excess is with me. i suppose i feel better. i think i feel better. a lot more happened earlier today. but that was the emotional part. i will write more later when i wake up again. good night. 3:25 a.m. - 2009-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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