silver4's Diaryland Diary

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back in action

so last night i went over to my friend's place across the hall. it was just me and him, and we drank and smoked, it felt so good. i feel bad because i'm semi-enjoying my life, while my sister is suffering right now...

fuck. it was hard to get up this morning. i passed out so early last night, and i told myself not to go overboard since i had to go to school today. i still felt a little slow and crappy when i was getting ready, and my hair smelled like weed, it was annoying me as i was laying on my pillow, i just wanted to shower and wash away the scent.

okay i need food. and i think i'll send my sis $500 or so, i get my loan check i think tomorrow. sigh. that's what i get to do with my tuition money.

i'm so tired. i spoke to R, i had texted him to see when he was coming back, and he called me in response. sadly, i fear i will fall again quite easily, but i'm really really going to try to control it. just hearing his voice and listening to him talk how he always does made me smile. i stupidly still want to love him. at least i acknowledge my stupidity. but that's bad because even though i realize it, i continue to act stupid about it all. so i guess i'm not too unlike my sister in that respect; i know something is wrong but i still pursue it. i still want to sleep with him. not sex, just stay in bed with him again like i used to. sex would be nice too, but that's a stretch. definitely a stretch... i know when i see him tomorrow i will find it hard to not jump on him and give him hugs and kisses. but i have to not do the kisses obviously. stupid fucker. i really wish he would just go with his fuckin heart instead of cultural restrictions. we are really cute together.

6:55 p.m. - 2009-07-10

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