silver4's Diaryland Diary

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more R

sigh. M's gf has been tripping lately. she's saying stupid shit like how she's afraid he's going to cheat on her, blah blah blah. and i think that she says it out of nowhere; he doesn't really provoke her questions. but whatever. not my business really...

so again, the usual. today was my boy S's bday, and the whole group went to dinner then back to the apts for cupcakes and drinking etc. such an emotional disaster for me as usual, because i'll never understand why i can't be close to R anymore. i have too many feelings for him, it hurts me to look at him, it hurts me to see him and care about him, it hurts me to want to take him and hold him close to me. i hate being just his friend. i don't know. do i tell him that? is there any point, is there any purpose?? is there any reason why i should tell him that his presence overpowers me and whenever he is around, i can't help but want to have him and hold him and keep him close to me? why does it have to be this way? i yearn for simplicity. i yearn for somebody i can care about who is single and available, like really available. because R is not available, he is boarded away from me... i want to tell him again what he really means to me, and i want to tell him in a way that gets the point across, finally. i understand his reasoning, his bs rationale for destroying my spirit and leaving me to suffer... but is that enough? is that satisfying for him?? if you really, really care about somebody, you shouldn't be able to just leave it alone and let it go... i want to tell him. i want to tell him how much he means to me. i want to tell him how hard it is for me to let him go, so hard that i still cannot and i don't know if i ever will.

but i believe that he already knows.

he just ignores it.

10:32 p.m. - 2009-07-29

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