silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Considerately I keep going back and forth with my emotions. I hate how much I like M. I hate thinking about him. I hate the way my body tingles every time he touches me. I hate how much I love to kiss him and how much I yearn to have him with me, beside me. I hate that he can't stay the night, that I don't have a normal relationship that allows me to be open and affectionate. I love to love. I love to show my affections and show that I care. I don't need to do PDAs or anything, I just long for a relationship that lets me love someone and share it with the world. It's sad. It's lonely. Everyone else can have someone to love, where exactly did I go wrong? I am notorious for falling for the wrong men, especially out here. Can I just catch a break? I get it, I'm a bad person, I mess up relationships and I don't care about it. I act without any indiscretion and am quite heartless about it all. And I get my punishment somewhat; I end up alone with no significant bond with anybody, or when I do get a decent bond, the person is unattainable in some form or another. Maybe it's a cruel universal joke. Maybe I am left to long and desire and hope and wish and dream, forever, because it all started with a simple "mistake" that I made almost 10 years ago. I don't know... There is this guy who works at the school who I think is cute and we play and get along well. I consider him every now and then but I don't know if he would consider me. Actually, I already know he wouldn't, because that's the way it works for me. Fuck it. My point is that I'm losing ground and developing feelings for M, and I really don't want to do that because it won't do anything for me. No matter what, he's getting married in just over a month, and I can't do anything to stop it. I have to go back to being a machine. On another note, I just talked to my dad and he always asks me stupid questions about school and my patients and have I done this or that. I understand his desire to be part of my school life, but if you don't understand what any of it is, I don't want to discuss it with you. But then it's another stupid question about my life. This is why I love beer. Beer keeps me calm. I'm glad I had one available right when he called to bitch and complain about my sister and my mom and other people in the family. Everyone fucks up. I fuck up. Countless times. Just leave it alone and stop judging all the time. Sorry. Anyways. I'm experiencing a series of emotions right now, I just need to breathe. 7:33 p.m. - 2009-08-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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