silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- friendship rocks i put my hand up to give him a high five and he links his fingers in mine and holds my hand. and then he does it the correct way, hand tap, with the next person. i'm still tired of pretending. i'm tired of ignoring. i'm tired of going over and then leaving. because i don't want to be alone with him. i don't want any serious life conversation, although i really wouldn't mind. i could go for any conversation with him. i hated seeing him on friday. well, i loved seeing him at first, because all was happy. it's still awkward because we look at eachother and there's something weird, something off that we can't just be passive with eachother. i can't just see him and chat about nonsense because there's something yearning for more inside me. it's a crazy pull. so it was fine being out with him and everyone else we were with for a friend's birthday, at some club. and we laugh and joke and dance and drink. but then, drunk me, jealous me, he dances with some other girl for a long ass time, and i get jealous and avoid him, it's so much safer that way. i turn in any other direction to not see the smile on his face while he's enjoying some stranger's company. and i'm dancing with MJ and he's fuckin oblivious to my emotional connection to R and he says 'whoa check out R and that girl!' and i'm like uh huh, yeah. and he makes a point to call my attention to it yet again because maybe i just didn't look hard enough first time? so i go about my business, wandering around the club aimlessly, well, with aim to the bar, and proceed to take any drinks handed to me and pound away. and i realize how messed up drunk and faded i am and how my fun has dissipated, and i decide to bounce but i wanted to say bye to MJ first because we were together most of the night, and i just point to him and say bye. he gets up and chases me out the club and i'm like dude, i'm drunk, i'm out, go back, i'm serious. and i'm pushing at him to go and eventually he caves and leaves me be. i also managed to drunk email M a couple times about me hating life and school, but he's used to my angry texts so it flies just fine. i love that i have him to be like this with. anyways. that was friday. the unsuccessful high fives were last night. and my back was exposed from the top i was wearing and he kept placing his hand on my back. it's not fair. this is the most innocent torture i've ever had to endure. this just keeps going. and i try to stop it. i try to avoid and smile and everything, but no matter what, there's a force inside of me that pulls me to want to talk to him and be beside him. i miss being in his arms. i am so lame because of him. i have to buy groceries. i haven't been to the grocery store in weeks. i'm hungry. 9:32 a.m. - 2009-08-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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