silver4's Diaryland Diary

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every guy

i want to bake chocolate chip cookies. actually, i just want to make the dough. i have all the ingredients i'm sure, i always do. even the chips because i have like a costco bag of chocolate chips. hm. fuck, i don't have eggs. dammit.

well that got this entry off to a bad start.

i have something of an addiction to talking to M. as does he with me. he's out right now doing wedding stuff, but he keeps emailing me or getting on a computer to chat with me. this is while he's out at his gf's family's house, pretending to study but instead talking to me. we do have a midterm tomorrow though. but damn. i mean, i enjoy talking to him, being with him. but just thinking about the other end and the fact that he's being quite risky quite often by talking to me every chance he can get..

and then i was thinking again about R and how he hurt me and how i never want to really let myself forget the way it felt so that i don't let anyone do that to me again. but we're becoming friends again, again. we're talking more and i'm hanging out at his place a little more. still not where we were before, but i don't know really where we will get to. i don't even know what i want. i know what i want for us when i'm drunk, but i'm sober right now and i really want something else. i don't like the frustrations i feel around him. i don't like to feel anything as a matter of fact. i'd rather be completely empty than to feel anything for him at this point. it's really draining to care about him. and i can't get any read off of him. like even right now, we're chatting like we used to and getting along somewhat like we used to... i don't know. i just need to clear him from my head. i think sometimes i feel bad because i don't want to get involved with anyone else because of the chance that he may want to work something out. but alas, who knows? i am a fool, i know that i am. i'm just always hoping for something to change. in me, in him, in somebody, who knows. and then there is the fact that i am being told of people who like me or are interested in me, but they are my friend's friends from home, so they just come up here and visit, and we all hang out, and then they bounce, and i'm told of this stuff after the fact. well shit, i could play around, i'm tired of being R's bitch in a sense. i'm tired of being pathetic for him. so bring me some other guy to play with in front of him. i don't care. i do care, but i don't want to. besides, he always has his abundance of girls from back home or whatever who come and visit him and yeah they're all just good friends, but whatever. it's still flaunted around me quite regularly.

hm. M said that i'm like a drug to him. good. i don't know if i'm supposed to say like romantic things to him at all or if i just leave it at sexual stuff. because he says that he has a crush on me and is addicted to me and wants to do this and that but even just spend time with me, and it's cool, but i don't know where exactly crossing the affectionate line is, because we have made it clear about our interests in one another, but i don't know. because i do like to be romantic. i like to be sweet. and the way it is right now, no one i care about is really letting me be that way. it's just as well.

i also chatted with D1 today. he says he wants me back and doesn't want anyone else to have sex with me. he says he gets territorial over me. i laughed. never again, man. never again.

my roommate made angel food cake. good girl.

7;12 p.m. - 2009-08-23

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