silver4's Diaryland Diary

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i need to care a lot less about everything. because i am experiencing attachment issues and it's not healthy. i can't be attached to someone who's attached to someone else. and i can't be attached to someone who is afraid to be attached. at this point, i think i'm just waiting. waiting for the moment that someone makes sense of it all. waiting for something to go in my favor. i don't want to care any more. i want to be the one with something to look forward to. i want to be able to have a shitty day, as i often do, but be able to share the experience with someone who looks forward to listening to me and being with me, and looking at me and paying attention to me, and not having some other girl in his life who is more important.

am i still staring at the glimmers in the night sky and making wishes that will ultimately be unrealized? i wrote a poem, years ago, maybe 8 years already, called cheaper to wish on a star. i remember it when i give in and take a chance to make a wish. i wrote it, like i wrote many, after the downfall and destruction that occurred post-T. what a guy. but as a summary, it is about tossing coins into fountains and making wishes, only to never have them come true but to instead be that much more broke as a result of it.

ah. it was 7 years ago. i found the poem. i have my poems all together in a book, and there is a good series that took place around my relationship with T.

there was a point in time where you took over everything. how did you manage to do that? how did you gain control of my thoughts and my emotions and my actions? and why are you still an issue today? rather.. not an issue. a thought.

he is starting to become more and more of a memory. and i am not a fan of memories, but i think i would rather place him on the backburner of my mind rather than go through several other situations and always remembering something about him...

1:18 a.m. - 2009-08-28

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