silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- preface out of curiousity, i decided to check if i had written an entry here in the midst of my intoxication last night. apparently i had. i honestly don't remember doing that. and i am drawing blanks on the details of other things of the night. i am fairly responsible in terms of getting home and making sure key friends get home as well; i feel maternal towards some of the girls. anyways, what happened with R last night was nothing, we were drunk and i was close to him and happy as i always am when i am close to him, but i'm also waiting for the day that i realize that all this happiness i experience with him is only when i have drunken permission to be closer than usual to him. however, there was one moment of sobriety where i was genuinely happy, even if it was just superficial. he called me after school and wanted to figure out what we were all going to do, and he was going to get beer and i said i would get some as well on my way home from school. he ended the conversation the way i have longed for him to end a conversation with me again, the way we used to always part, be it by phone or in person or on chat. and i know there is nothing behind it, it's just our goodbye: he says 'i love you,' and i say 'i love you more'. :( it was good to hear him say that, even though it's not the same as before. but it's actually been maybe 3 or 4 months since i've heard him say that, so you could imagine the smile that creeped upon my face when i heard him say it. it makes me feel like we're getting back on track to what we had before and to what i really want for us again. i know that i'll never have him for myself. i also know that i won't stop trying. but i will accept the way things are, for now. only because i have to, or at least have to pretend. anyways. interestingly enough, M is jealous of my relationship with R. he knows partly about the way i feel or have felt towards R, he knows about the bs R did to me and how it fucked us up. he was actually there for me when all the R madness took place, and accompanied me to countless after-school bars to just drink and chat and escape from the reality of it all. in fact, we are what we are today because of R in a sense, because the situation brought me and M closer together, and M said it was during those moments that he first started feeling me out again to see what boundaries in our friendship could be crossed. anyways, when R called me yesterday, i was with M in lab, he was working and i was just keeping him company, and the look on M's face when he asked who was calling me and the things he said to me after i hung up were a little beyond the scope of his permitted curiosity or approval. he admittedly truly wants me to want him only. once again, i'm falling asleep. gotta love these later entries. i swear i will get back to this after i reawaken in the morning... 11:41 p.m. - 2009-08-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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