silver4's Diaryland Diary

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same stuff as always

R is perhaps the most innocent torture i will ever experience. he doesn't have to do a thing. he just has to exist. his existence, his presence, his persona, his everything, just happens to be exactly what is needed to make me lose control and any sense of direction or confidence in reobtaining stability and peace of mind. he doesn't have to say a word.
i know that people come in and out of his place, all day every day. i know that everyone's shit gets mixed up, etc. i also thought i knew about him and his intentions and regulations in life that were placed upon him due to restrictions from family/parents. that is my preface. and so i go into his bathroom to pee and i see a box in the trash of personal lubricant, the walgreens version of ky jelly, as stated on the box itself, just in case i wasn't entirely sure what the fuck personal lubricant meant. god. so what? seriously, what? his, or someone else's? because yeah, none of my fuckin business, but if you knock the fact that you can't be with me or involve yourself with me or anyone else by that matter because your family and your religion and your culture and your rules tell you that sex and even kisses are completely off limits except for your fuckin to be determined wife as arranged by family, then why the hell do you need ky? i mean, i know why the hell i have ky. i even bought some of their new shit to play around with M per his suggestion. so what?

it's okay. i'm allowed to be bitter about this. of course, i disregarded its presence when i saw it, but it's not like i can do anything about it, ever.

i sort of want to ask him what it's like. i want to know what it's like to have someone obviously in love with you, and to just carry that information around like no big deal. to just know and be indifferent about it all.

because it doesn't matter.

i'm pretty tired again of it all. i will always be tired of it. he just makes me happy, you know? in the midst of all the bs, he actually makes me happy. he's someone i want to be around, at all times. i just want to be over him and stop caring about him.

on another note, JS, the friend who is back in my life, is texting me all the time and saying all this interesting stuff about how he wants to visit me and blah blah blah. i don't buy it. i'm not naive. he can do as he will, say as he wants. i'm not going to fall for it. but i'm down to hook up with him if he comes around. no problem there.

and then there is M, yet again. he who tells me that he can't get out the words to describe the way he feels towards me...

whatever.

9:45 p.m. - 2009-08-30

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