silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but i like to .... another long day. unnecessarily long. i'm drained but functional. these last two days i have managed to work all morning, skip lunch, work all afternoon, eat late. i rarely eat breakfast, so i get around to eating relatively late for the first time every day. the weekends i eat like a maniac, but during the week i sort of don't really take note to my lack of consumption until i start to think about it. yesterday i didn't eat until around 10:30 pm. that's sort of bad.... meh. what do you do. just keep going. i used to be fine skipping for extending periods of time when i was a bit younger. but those days it was more intentional, because i was "affected" or so by life and men and personal issues that no longer have a place in my current concept of happiness or whatever it may be. i think now i just do it because i don't care, and i seem functional. even without coffee or water. strange. i survive. so this morning i finished a root canal that i was hoping to get done by the end of this quarter. i am very happy to have finished it, it was a fairly simple one to work on and if it dragged onto another day i would have gone crazy. and although it ended on time, i stayed in clinic to clean up and drag my feet and set up for the next patient, who was a bit of fun for me. nothing went according to plan, but it is a pleasure working on this patient, so i don't really care that i spent 3 hours working on something that won't count for anything. no biggie. then i caved and bought some food, brought it back and worked on charting etc, getting ready for tomorrow's patient, who upon calling to confirm as i walked home, decided to cancel on me. that is the life. i hate this sometimes. it pisses me off because now my mind races as i try to figure out who i can swoop into my chair and work on. i have someone in mind, i'll contact her in the morning. tonight is over for me. i think i'm going to make a drink and read for tomorrow's lecture. i barely get to hang around M in clinic because we are both too busy, but we find eachother always at lunch and after school, in lab or wherever, and just sit there talking away. even if one of us has absolutely nothing to do in lab, if the other is there, we go and keep eachother company. sometimes i think that our relationship is bad in the sense that we spend a significant amount of time together, a fairly substantial amount, that it could be bad when it comes down to separation from one another. i talk to him every day, via texting or chat or email if not in person. every single day. often when he is at home sitting with his gf. and not like we have inappropriate conversations, but we just talk alllll the time. people are now associating me with him like they used to do with R. it could turn out to be a little bad, i don't know, because he's always telling me that he's thinking about me or wants to be with me etc, but at the times he's saying all this, it's the weekend and he's with his gf, so he shouldn't really be paying any attention whatsoever to me. in my opinion. but i catch myself checking my email practically every hour to see if he's written me anything. and he does the same. i am just not at ease due to the fact that his level of interest in me, the crush that he keeps telling me that he's had on me forever, the cravings to be with one another and the constant attempts at being close to me when no one is around, all of these things can lead to an issue when it comes to separation from one another, be it on my part or on his. i anticipate only being in the city for what, 9 more months? and then i have to look for a job somewhere. but not even that far away in the future. i'm thinking even the near future, like his honeymoon in 2 or 3 weeks for example. i remember when i was dealing with T years ago, and he went with his wife to italy. i remember he called me a few times because he really wanted to talk to me, that he had snuck out or so away from her so that he could call me. and time difference in italy versus vegas... he was calling me at like 2 a.m. my time. he didn't care. and he even bought me a gift, which his wife had witnessed him purchasing and later asked me about it when she found my phone number. that's another story. my point is, M and i talk all day every day. he's going to go on his honeymoon out of the country the week of break while i'll still be here working in clinic. as much as we talk to one another, should i have any concerns about him contacting me? or am i just conditioned now to think that he thinks about me more than he truly does? i'm not self-centered. i'm not overly confident or cocky. i just get a feeling that i wouldn't be too off base if i expected him to contact me sometime when he should be focusing all his dear sweet attention to his new wife. or maybe that week will be a reality check to him that he should stop messing around with me. it'll be interesting to see what happens... and R. precious, precious R. i have to come to terms, yet again, with the fact that i will never ever get over him. (ah. speak of the devil, well the former devil. M just immed me) anyways focus! okay. i just grabbed a pint of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. R. i was glancing at him in clinic when he passed by me a couple times. i just look at him and i wonder why i'm so obsessed. he's a normal guy. he a few years younger than me, he's in a different state of mind than me, we have such different backgrounds and morals (my morals are completely nonexistent, his actually exist), but he just... grabs me. i see him and i want to go up and put my arms around him and kiss him. i want to spend every moment goofing around with him and saying senseless things to him, and seeing that look he gets on his face when i say or do something irrational and silly. i just wish it could be different. and i'm tired of wishing. i want it to be easier. i want it to be simple. i think i just have to make it my mission every weekend, to bring him closer to me. i just tease myself with it. but after this last weekend, when we played around and i stayed over, i sort of realized that the nothing that it is is actually okay. i say that i hate pretending, but... i'll pretend. i just feel happy when i am with him. so if i can be happy with him in those few moments, even if they are all lies, isn't that better than the sadness that i have when i'm not with him? i will accept all of the weekend hand-holding, drunken-closeness, dancing, embraces, kisses (if i'm lucky), passing out together or napping together. i will accept it all because it lets me be with him. god. i am a lost cause. this is why i have M to sleep with and balance me out. if i weren't passing time having sex with him, i'd be going crazy over R like i was before. or i'd find someone else to sleep with i guess. i'm terrible. 8:37 p.m. - 2009-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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