silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wendy clear i want to graduate already. there are too many of these days that i detest. days that things just don't go well, that it starts off okay, but then shit goes down and i end up hating the world and wanting to rush to the closest bar. this morning started off okay. it seemed like it would be okay, but then everything went crazy, and i try so hard, so hard to be good at this shit and deal with it okay and not sit around craving a beer or ten, or a cigarette, or anything to alter the feeling in my head. anything.. maybe even just a good fuck to clear my head. whatever it is, my afternoon patient called me when i was cleaning up and said that he was cancelling, and i was like whatever, i don't give a fuck right now, and now i can go home and drink. and so i did, i went home and had a couple beers, the first thing i had really consumed all day. i like that the first thing i eat or drink is beer, at 2 pm. nice. so i did that and chilled, and came back to school to work on some other crap feeling a little better about things. fuck, i think i still want a cigarette. anyways, so R and i had another good falling out the other night. i hate when we drunkenly argue, because i end up yelling and crying and being so utterly pissed off at him. he is so good at throwing me the most mixed up signals in the world and saying stupid shit and acting one way but then later retracting it and apologizing. he's a bitch. he's an asshole, he's a dick. and i was kind enough to let him know his faults and how much of a dick he was for saying some of the things he was saying to me when we were arguing. but supposedly whatever it is, we both get passionately argumentative when we are drunk, and i will never let go of my ground, i will always say what i want to say when he is pissing me off. and so the next morning i wrote him another long ass email clarifying things, saying how i felt about his behavior and his words and his actions, etc. god. i was so mad at him. i wanted to punch him. i wanted to hit him so badly. he made me want to go home and work out my arms so that they would be better equipped for fighting. i wouldn't mind a physical fight with him. fucker. so supposedly we are good, we're supposed to pretend that we are friends again and happy with one another, yet again. fuck him. we go back and forth sooo much and things are misinterpreted so often. and this time i didn't even fuckin do anything, i asked for clarification with no assumptions, and he blew up saying stupid shit that came out of nowhere. i'm so tired of it. i ended up walking for a few hours to clear my mind. i called my little sister to get it out. i'm just incredulous as to where he takes things. and i'm pretty disappointed in myself for letting him get to me. he is the only one. nobody else has done this to me. nobody else makes me cry and i don't have arguments like we do with anyone else. i've never fought with anybody, at all. D, once. one lame time. that's it, in a 5 year relationship, we fought once, and that was within the first year. maybe even the first 6 months. so whatever. people say that when you fight like this, that perhaps it's because you "care". i don't want to give a fuck about him anymore ever again. mind games. he's full of shit. anyways, he's up at our friend's place right now, we're all having dinner tonight. i don't want to be around him to be honest. and this friend fucked MJ on saturday night, which is fun, good for them. the night of my fight with R. alcohol does marvelous things 8:03 p.m. - 2009-09-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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