silver4's Diaryland Diary

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never enough

i'm supposed to be studying for finals right now. i have been doing any and everything but studying today. i have given in to several distractions and i'm quite satisfied with them, but sucks that i've had zero focus otherwise. so that's my intro. on to a slight thought that comes into my head, regarding R. i know that there is nothing, there will be nothing, i get it. blah blah, it's bs. i accept that everything that ever happens is an accident and any feelings that we both supposedly have had towards one another, and actually stated to one another, are merely figments of my imagination. because he said that he wasn't supposed to have felt this way, blah blah blah, not in the rules for him. sure. in which case, i hope that one day, after school is done and when he goes back home and is sitting with his parents as they present him with whoever the wonderful young lady is with whom he is to fall in love and spend the rest of his life, i hope that his eyes open wide enough to see that whatever they are expected to be to one another, it will never be what it could've been if he would've followed his own thoughts and interests and gave it a shot with me.

i'm not bitter. okay, maybe a little. but moreso, i have checked out. after so many fights with him, i just have to check out and take a step back. or a leap. i really want to not think about him. and it's not excessive. but it's just enough to make me sad. and i don't want to be sad. i want to see him the way that i see other friends. or maybe just see him the way that he sees me, however that may be.... no. i know how that is. i know how he sees me and i hate it. i detest it. he lies to me and he lies to himself.

fuck. memories are coming back. i don't want to think anymore. i have to study. i want a beer.

11:04 p.m. - 2009-09-22

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