silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sunday i need to do something better with myself here. i'm tired of not being anything to anybody. it's funny because in the eyes of some of my friends, i appear to be this person who is indifferent to absolutely everything, especially relationships. i am the rock and the one giving advice and the one who is impartial to sides when my friends keep breaking up with each other, mostly because i just don't care. i don't care about the emotions and the crying and the difficulty that they have being around one another. i don't care. but at the same time, i wish i could feel some of that for myself, not in the uncomfortable way that i feel it with R. my friend JK is amazed by me and is of the belief that i hate relationships and i'm so independent and strong when it comes to cutting off my emotions when i'm involved with a guy because i don't want to be attached to anyone, which is maybe partly true, but i also wouldn't mind a little attachment here and there... so last night my friend JC who only really talks to me and acts like a friend when he breaks up with his gf was talking to me and trying to bond with me or so, but i sort of just kept it light and didn't let him delve too much into the strains of his failed relationship, because i was already done for the night, with myself being the only semi-sober one and otherwise tired of babysitting. and he actually had the nerve to ask me about how R and i are doing, because he knew of our issues before, but i gave a very noncommital answer, saying that we are good. i have learned who i can and cannot trust my 'feelings' with, and he belongs in the fuck no category now. as do so many others. i haven't really spoken to M this weekend. lately he's been tending more to his relationship obligations, understandably, but then he still is the one practically begging to find a chance to hook up. he doesn't realize how stupid it is to keep this going, it's really not good for him. i guess all is good as long as nobody gets hurt. and since i actively eradicate all emotions, there won't be a problem on my side... D2 texted me for a cigarette. i don't have any though. why can't he text me for my company? sigh.. i suppose i should sleep now. it's almost midnight. and i have to wake up early to read for a quiz. things i probably should've done this weekend instead of waste away like i did otherwise. good night... 11:06 p.m. - 2009-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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