silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gone So I am of the opinion right now that all relationships are disasters. I can't visualize myself in an ideal relationship. I have become a terrible skeptic. And it's not that i don't want it. I really do. I don't think it's wise right now, but I want it at some point. I see some of my friends at school who are happy and married and kids or whatever, or not even kids, but in happy relationships. And then there's my roommate whose long time bf broke up with her less than a month ago, and he's already dating somebody else, and she's a crying wreck now again. And it's sad to watch. And I try to counsel her and say the right things, but I'm a terrible person to talk about relationships. I have such a slanted view of relationships, I don't think my opinion is valid anymore. These situations I get myself into lately are making that more and more true. I am actually amazed to be honest. I exchanged a couple emails with H today, and it's sort of bad, because I am just accepting of it all, and I don't know how and why it has turned this way for me. What is it that happened? Things were fine for a while. I think something happened with love and it decided to ignore me and it doesn't like me anymore. This H thing makes me take a step back. Why am I that girl that you can just go up to and assume that things will go in a certain direction? I never said anything to him. Yeah I flirt, but I flirt with everybody. I'm a damn sweetheart and polite to his wife. I've never alluded to anything, and now he's saying that he's waiting for an invitation to my place? The stupid thing is that I am interested in him anyways so I am accepting of it. I am so heartless. I feel empty about it all. And dammit, things with M are getting on different levels too. He says the sweetest things to me and he makes me feel ways that I've never felt before, and sex with him is the best that I've had, it's wonderful and comfortable... But I'm not naive; there is no emotional dependency. but we are very close to eachother and we do care about eachother. It just blows a little. I love being with him. I don't know where I was going with this entry. I've just lost affection and connections with people. I sort of want one of these other guys to sweep me off my feet and put me into a real relationship or at least something we can work with. I want to be happy with someone. My own someone. No one else's. On that note, I do plan on hooking up with H if that is his intention. I don't care anymore. 10:37 p.m. - 2009-11-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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