silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wishful thinking... crossing fingers today has been such a waste of a day. i have no patients today, so i just went to get a signature for some lab stuff in the afternoon. then i came home, but i'm going to go back in a little bit to go assist my friend in oral surgery. wooooo. this morning we had a test, i believe the first test we've had all quarter, so i had to buckle down yesterday and try to avoid distractions and get to studying, but it didn't work very well. M kept chatting with me online and telling me about his addiction to me and how he needs me and thinks about me all the time and blah blah blah. and i'd tell him 'okay, it's all good, but we have to study.' so everything would be good for maybe 5 minutes, and then he'd pop up again and tell me something else. it got to the point that i had to turn off my chat. and then he'd email me and tell me that he can't help himself and blah blah blah, and so i sent him an email back saying 'CALM THE FUCK DOWN'. which i can say to him and he's cool. it's funny, but shit. i get it. we talk all the time. but leave me alone so i can study a little. i mean, i did study some, but not as focused as i would have liked to have been doing so. and R and our friends did a bbq, so i ended up going down for that. and D2 showed up just because he saw us out his window, so i got to talk to him a little bit. but then went back to study. i actually distract myself by overthinking about the future, and what i will do when i get out of here, and if i'll be qualified to get out of here, and how i wish i had been a better student earlier on so that i would have better options at this point in time.... and it goes on and on and on. to be honest, i believe that everything happens for a reason. i do believe in fate, and i do believe, to an extent, that 'every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around'. fuck it. i think i'm going to try to turn it around. the other day when H had cornered me in the elevator, beforehand i had been walking home from school. i had my id badge on, but right when i was almost home, i realized that it had fallen off of my shirt. so i retraced my steps and went back maybe 3 or 4 blocks or so, and found it. then i went back home, as i was in a rush, as aforementioned. and right when i was walking up to the entrance, H was walking up too, and we smiled at eachother and went in together, and small talk bs. and then elevator. the point to that tidbit of a story is that if my ID badge hadn't fallen off of my shirt, i wouldn't have been delayed those extra 5+ minutes in getting back home, and there wouldn't have been the incident with H. and i wouldn't be sleeping with him too now. everything happens for a reason... and today i went to the school health center to try to make an appointment ("try"... bitches want me to call some main number...stfu), and then i bumped into a pedo dr i worked with last week. i told him that i spent all weekend going crazy thinking about pedo, and he told me i should do it, that he thinks i'd be really good at it (as he told me as well last week after i worked with him) and to email him to talk about it. the thing is, i think i really want to do it. but i really don't think i'm qualified. my grades blow and my rank and my gpa are shit. but then i looked at the website for applying, and unlv is like the last school with a deadline that hasn't passed. and i could still probably get good letters of recommendation. and there's all this encouragement for me to apply now... and i don't know about signs. i wish i could get a sign to help me out here. i think i'm going to apply. to just do it. and if i don't get it, oh well, but at least i can try, right? okay. it's decided. every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. 4:48 p.m. - 2009-11-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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