silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- playing again another day. so i wake up in a great mood and ready to start a full day in clinic, especially considering i didn't have any patients yesterday, and as i'm brushing my teeth, i hear my patient phone ringing, and it's my morning patient canceling. UGH! so i start ranting to M in an email because it's like 7:30 in the morning, didn't want to bother him, as he also didn't have a patient in the morning. and as i was bitching about my frustration with patients, it dawned on me that we both didn't have patients in the morning and my roommates were both at school. so eventually i texted him and informed him of such, so he came over so we could hook up a little before afternoon clinic. afterwards though i was feeling ridiculously sexual and didn't want him to leave and kept jumping on him and requesting he stay for another round. we hung out for a bit and then he left maybe around 11. at which point i remembered that H didn't have class and that he was maybe home, so i emailed him hoping to just double up on the morning goodness. but he was actually at the library. fucker. i then proceeded to pass out from M's good lovin. reluctantly i woke up to go to clinic and work on a root canal, which was actually fun. i really love working on them. i am officially a weirdo. i just realized that i haven't had anything to drink since saturday. i mean alcohol. i just mentioned such to my roommate who is sitting in the living room with me right now, and she suggested we drink some wine. i'm sold. so yesterday i was trying to figure out once again what to do with my life. and then i realized that i have several obstacles to pass over if i want to get into pedo. so i can't just go for it like otherwise desired. le sigh. there are no signs. otherwise... nothing really. the more i think about my men situations, the more i lose spirit and become excessively indifferent. i wish i cared. i guess because there's no romantic connections. i wish i had someone to care about though. maybe in a way i'm jealous of other peoples' happiness in relationships, and it leaves me to interfere and take what i want? i don't know. i try to understand myself and figure out why i have such indifference. i guess it started with T so many years ago, who gave me my first glimpse of loving the unattainable. loving him fucked me up. caring about him hurt me. and the memory of him will never die. i think for now i'm going to bank on MS. i'll see if he's available. i was told by some friends that he may have just gotten out of a relationship, and that's actually never a good thing. but i guess i could be a good rebound girl. i'm used to being used by now. yeah... this love thing just won't work in my favor, will it? fine. i'll just focus on school. 7:49 p.m. - 2009-11-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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