silver4's Diaryland Diary

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good night

i wish i could leave here right now. i wish it were two weeks from now: boards over, paper over, finals over. nothing ever really ends yet. they are all piling on top of one another. but in two weeks, it will be better. something will feel better. i will feel better. i will then be permitted the chance to transfer my stresses to a different place, where my other friends and family are...

all i really want is some peace. and i want to be happy. i want something to go in my favor. i want things to go according to plan and to fall into place. i want to be important to someone, someone else. i know, family, friends, i know. but... someone else. it would feel nice to be appreciated and adored, and to be selfish in a way that is permitted, as opposed to the way it is right now for me. i am hoping that something wonderful comes along. i'm tired of being the funny friend to everyone. my presence is like a joke.

it's funny because occasionally i actually gaze out the window and try to find a star. or i stare out the sky with hopes of seeing a shooting star. sometimes i'm just in bed staring into the darkness. all for the purpose of making a wish, with hopes that maybe something will come true. and i change my mind frequently. i want this or that. nothing tangible. more like aspirations, preferences, thoughts. for myself, for others...

i don't like the image that i have. i don't like the air of hesitation that i keep feeling around some guys, like they are afraid to talk to me.

i want to be somewhere else by this time next year. i don't care that i will be the only one among my friends who is not in a precious relationship. i don't care that i will not be on the path of motherhood or even have anything to show for who i am or what i've done the last 10 years of my life...

i see guys like H and i think about how i could actually see myself with him. i love how our personalities work well with one another, i love his sense of humor. i'm not a fan of some of his silent moments, but i could work on getting less of that. i mean, aside from what we have right now, he's a pretty decent guy to be involved with. a good heart, attractive, smart, fun, good natured, well liked. blah blah blah. so why is it that i don't get that? then again, if i did get that, he would probably be cheating on me. hmmm...


"when i grew up and fell in love, i asked my sweetheart, 'what lies ahead? will there be rainbows day after day?' here's what my sweetheart said: 'que sera, sera. whatever will be, will be. the future's not ours to see. que sera, sera. what will be will be.' "

i want some ice cream. like a banana split. with hot fudge. and tiny walnut crumbles. i shall put that on my grocery list for tomorrow. at least ice cream isn't hard to get.

12:30 a.m. - 2009-12-06

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