silver4's Diaryland Diary

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gotta love it

sooo around 3 this morning i drunkenly wrote an entry, completely forgot about it in my peaceful sleep. and then when i got online, i realized its presence. i freaked out when i saw that i wrote something, and even more when i saw the content. so i quickly deleted it. but then i thought it's stupid of me to have deleted it because, dammit, that's the way i felt at the moment. the moment might have been several shots and a few beers in the making, but i guess it was a feeling nonetheless. so with minor editing, i'm just pasting it back, with hopes to maybe... i don't know. at this point it's just funny.

enjoy? ha.

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sad. lame. pathetic. i'm a little drunk right now. it's okay though. i like it. i like to be fucked up just a tad.

i have to go a little early to school tomorrow. that might be a problem.

today, the official today, is R's birthday. so earlier we did dinner and cupcakes. and then at midnight we all went over there and took shots. and more shots. and more shots. and then beer pong came up. and now i am drunk. i am still hoping for that moment that i can stop being a weak, pathetic, sad dumbass, and just accept and ignore and do whatever it takes to just stop caring about him. the thing is, it's not that strong. it's quite weak now. but when it comes down to me wanting to stay over, and him somewhat motioning for me to stay over, i become this... doll to him. i become his puppet, his plaything, his do whatever whenever whyever, and honestly... it just doesn't cut it. i know that i'm drunk now and that whatever i say may not be valid in 10 hours or so, and that i probably will forget that i even wrote this like i do with so many other drunken entries, but i see him and i still, still, still, STILL want to be the one he wants. and i will never be her. he looks at me, and his eyes are so... suggestive. they are so... questioning. and he knows. he knows, his roommate knows, his friends know, hell his enemies probably know, that i am the one who loves him more than anybody else does. they all know. it's not hard to hide. anyone could stand next to us and sense it. i've been called out on it before, in such situations, and i realized that i don't want to care anymore.

fuck it. this is lame. i wonder if i will remember this. i am dizzy. just as well.

fuck. i'm drunk

2:47 a.m. - 2009-12-14

7:43 a.m. - 2009-12-14

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