silver4's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is this?

I'm in vegas now, for holiday break family etc. Just got in last night, happy to be back as long as people don't end up annoying me and having expectations. I just want to somewhat relax. Nothing really happened yesterday, I just mostly packed, cleaned up. H came by, I told him to stop by and say good bye to me, but he ended up trying to have sex and I was like nope, I'm busy, next year. He was reluctant but left. I had shit to do, I don't care if he's needy.

On to Friday night. I went first to see the Christmas tree decorated at Macys, went around 6 or so by myself. On the ride down there, I was thinking about how it sucks to do stuff like that alone, to not have anyone to go down and admire a pretty decorated tree and lights and happiness etc. But then again I'm a very self sufficient person, and often a loner, keep to myself in a sense, so it was fine. So I took pictures and it was nice, then I went back home. An hour or so later, it was time to start drinking with my friends, and we were going to some club the group likes after the pre drinking was done. It was good, we all got drunk, the usual. So of course, now is the part where I talk about R. Everything was normal in the club, good stuff. Then it got later and we didn't know where our other friends were so we considered drinking more but decided to go home. This was maybe around 1:30 a.m. So we leave and try to get a cab but it takes forever. It was a bitch trying to find one. And I had my camera taking pics throughout the night, and we got couple others as we tried to get home. So somewhere in the midst of the coldness and my humored complaints about my feet hurting, R asks me "Hey. What is this?" and he's drunk, I'm drunk, we were in good spirits, and I swear he likes to pick fights with me about us when we are both under. I'm assuming that's what he was about to do again, but I tried to pass it and respond by saying "this? This is us trying to find a cab," but he didn't buy it, and persisted. And when it gets to a certain point, it's an automatic buzzkill, which I hate, because I'm quite fond of the way my buzzes usually feel.

"What is this with us?"

Basically, nothing has been going on. No fights, no yelling, no crying, no emotional outbursts. I just turn away and pretend that nothing bothers me, and it's been working out quite well. Besides, nothing really has been bothering me. I'm occupying my damn time. And when I do get drunkenly emotional, he doesn't get to see it, I completely keep it to myself, never letting anyone know anymore that I care.

I ask him what he's talking about and why, like why now. Because nothing happened. And I ask why do we have to keep having this conversation? I say that I'm tired of it, it goes nowhere, I'm fine with how things are, I don't try to get up on him. I keep it light and go about my day.

We stop walking and we are staring at eachother. I'm very indignant. Is that the right word? I hold my ground, I stare in his eyes and I beg him to stop doing this to me. I say that it's because he is drunk like this that he always wants to bring it up. And we are just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, pretty intense, my arms crossed because I'm a little pissed that this is happening again.

"I like you, I really do. And I'm pretty sure you feel the same," he says.

"Okay. So what?" I ask, straight faced, no budge and no indication of emotion. "It doesn't matter, I know what's up, we've been through this so many times. I can't keep doing this with you."

"I really, really like you. I'm sorry about all of this," and he comments repeatedly about his background and how his family is and how his parents are and how pretty much he's sorry that he has the background he has, because it means that there is no hope for us. I tell him that I know this already, that we have been through this, that I don't care, that I know. I understand, I get it. That's the way it is. Okay. And I say that I don't need his pity, that I'm not weak. We are pretty much at the point of frustration, and just staring in silence. Close to eachother, our foreheads touching. He's stumbling with his words and mixing things up. And of course I know what is next, he knows what's next.

"I just... It's just..." he says, and once again, I am defeated as he kisses me.

Dammit.

And I shake my head after and say no, I say that it's not fair, that he can't keep doing this to me. And he apologizes and we kiss again. And again and again, I don't know. And there is holding and there is staring and there is silence and there is confusion. And we talk more and walk some, and we are holding hands, but it's still a lot of me being frustrated with his explanation of "this" and the problem of "this". It's just such a draining experience, when it happens it just... takes everything out of me. But we stay light and playful and eventually around maybe 3 a.m. we find a ride home.

We get home around 3:15, still close, still basically holding hands as we were in the cab. We go back to his place where we always end up, just completely bypassing my door as if I don't live there. And we continue or kind argument. I pretty much tell him how annoying this all is, and like I said, I don't need his pity, I don't need anything. And then other things are brought up too, and I raise my voice a lot when we argue and it's so frustrating. But he gets in bed and moves over to make room for me, and I join him. We arent really that drunk anymore. And he's holding me and kissing me, and I say that I don't know what he wants from me. And I remind him that he got mad at me or us before when we first kissed, and he agreed that he was upset because he wasn't supposed to kiss me. And then he grabs me and pulls me on top of him for more. But we never do anything else. Because what we do is already more than he is supposed to.

In the midst of all the nice stuff, we do have some serious talk about the way things are, the way it is. And he always asks, "now what? Now what?" And I always say, "it's your choice, your call. It always is." I told him that I make myself stop caring, that I actually work on it, so as to not be affected when i see him and all. I tell him that I'm still a good person even though I fuck up, I'm a nice person, and it's not fair to me. One weird thing, at some point uttered something about us and married, and I was like what? And ge said never mind. And he says that he knows that I'm a good person, and he repeatedly said that I'm one of the strongest people he knows. Which says he must be around a lot of weak people. I guess in our group of friends though, it makes sense. I'm the only one who doesn't come from the rich parents. I'm the only one who has had to put up with real shit in relationships. I'm the only one who had a life before coming to our school, and he knows of my family's issues as they came around. And he also knows that I will simply just check out now, check out as necessary. He knows too much and I had to stop telling him things. I tell him that he has hurt me more though than anyone else has hurt me before, and I don't want it to keep happening.

I mean...shit. I don't know. The same thing as always, just a little more, a little better, but yet again leaving me hanging. Or rather leaving us both hanging. So we fall asleep holding hands, close, me touching his precious face and playing with his hair and kissing his neck, and we pass out, his arm around me somewhat. And throughout the night I find my way to hold on to him.

We wake up around 9 and as always we don't really acknowledge anything at all. We laugh about the night overall and how drunk we all were. Good times. He makes breakfast for us and some iced tea which we just share from one cup, which is nothing new for us, we always do that, probably not when other people are around us though. Not like there is anything to hide. When we got home, our friend TC came over and was telling R to come over for food, and then he saw me there in bed too and said I should come too. He's used to seeing me there, no surprise. But R texts him later and says that we are staying in instead. So yeah, breakfast and tv, and then i left to get started on stuff, and say that I'll see him before I leave. Which I did, I came over but a few minutes later another friend came too, and we all just chatted. I gave them both hugs when I left, and that was the end.

He might come to Vegas with his friends during this break, since they all have birthdays this month. I actually really hope that he does, and that I can hang out with him.

So for the meantime I'm trying to get him out of my head, yet again. That's our routine.

The end. I actually fell asleep writing this. I started writing around one. Now it's about 8. Haha. On to my day...

7:33 a.m. - 2009-12-20

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

wafa27
minstrelite
Guitarphreak
warpednormal
erari
ratherbored
ddup
medikid
fragilegirl8
deathoffsure
simeons-twin
cloudy-night