silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and so it is i have managed to allow my last encounter with R to just remain on my mind like some kind of nagging bug, or like one of my headaches, which i get quite regularly... or like an incessant poke, over and over... he stays on my mind, constantly. it was a terrible way to leave him. well, not terrible. i wish either it didn't happen or that we talked or something. we have too much silence. it's just a bitch to go through every few months, over and over. and i look at this picture that he took of us that last night, when we were wandering around looking for a cab, and i go through a series of emotions and thoughts. sadness, desire, confusion, happiness, love, confusion... i'd say mostly confusion. and then i beg the spirits of the world to clear this up for me, to force him to make a decision. i mean, no matter what, we only have six more months together, that's it. and i think about how it doesn't matter, that he's just unintentionally fucking with my heart again (it is unintentional, i know him and it's not malicious), and that it's just something that i have to get over, yet a-fuckin-gain. and then i think about destiny and fate and all that stuff, and hope that there is some reason we keep going through this. and that there is some reason that there was some glitch that occurred when he texted me that one time a few months ago and now i receive the same text several times a day. and then the text pops up when i just happen to be in a weak moment of thinking about him, or when i look at that picture of us. or first thing in the morning, just after i wake up. or right before i go to bed. or right when i got off of the plane. it's bad. i don't care at all that i keep getting the text, my unlimited takes care of it. i don't care that it's over and over and over. i don't care that it says nothing. i just care that i can go the whole day without it, and then i think about us and the stupidity of our situation, and then it appears. okay, i know. fate etc, who knows. who knows what exists. i am quite the faithless person. i have my beliefs though, but after a course of time, they fade away. but i sit there thinking, what if? what if? what if something changes, what if i can be accepted into his world? would he even fight to be with me, would he challenge his families rules or so if he feels it is worth it? and if that were to happen, then what? what would i have to do? how would things change? we live in different states. the sad thing is though, that i would follow him. i would go for him. i have no ties. i mean, yeah, i have my family and friends in vegas, but my heart and happiness isn't set in vegas, as i am discovering every time i come back here to visit. i am not happy here, it just causes stress. i love my family, but i don't think i would be happy setting up here for the rest of my life. he just captures my heart. he's just too much to me. he has made me feel too much. i have the most passionate feelings for him, in either direction. he makes me love him the most and makes me hate him the most. he brings me the happiest moments i've ever had and the most devastating moments as well. i don't get it. he's not the most amazing person in the world, he's just... some guy. he draws me to him. he's an addiction. he doesn't have to do anything at all, he just has to stand there. and breathe. and that is enough for me to fall to my weakest, lowest point ever, over and over again. and it affects my daily routine, it affects my thought process, it affects my actions. i am distracted from life because i think about him. all the time. every hour. i'm trying to help myself out by thinking about the bad times again. that is supposed to help. but i also know that he's coming out here sometime next week maybe with his friends and sister to party, and although i want to see him, it could be bad for me. i just don't want to care about him. i wish i didn't care. i was doing fine for a little yesterday, listening to some music and trying to clear my thoughts. and then i think again and i feel like tearing up a little. i wonder if men think the same way as i do. too many emotions here. my thoughts were going so extreme that i was thinking of cutting things off with M and H just so i could focus and clear my head. but then i think that i sort of prefer to keep it going with them so i don't get any unnecessary attachments to thoughts of R. i need to have alternatives and outlets for all these damn emotions. i'd rather have meaningless sex than sit around thinking about R. which is why, now that i'm afflicted yet again, i'm thinking of who my victim on this vacation should be. i have someone in mind, we'll see if he and i even have time to meet up. it just hurts. not just emotionally. i swear i feel some pain in my chest, somewhere close to where my heart should be. just like when he hurt me last time, it was a pain that took over my whole body and i felt like i was suffocating as i cried in front of him. i don't like that he makes me feel things. i waste time wondering about love and fate. is there such a thing as destiny and fate, and true love, and people ever coming together because of those reasons, or is it all just a matter of persistence on someone's part? because you can persist and try to win someone over, and perhaps do so. but i don't want to have to persist and try, i just want things to fall into place. i think that in spite of what i've said and felt before, i don't know if i believe in love anymore. i know, i'm too young to give up. but i don't know entirely if it's giving up or if i ever really believed in it in the first place. i felt love for T, 8 years ago? then nothing for the next few guys. then something for D, but i knew it wasn't right for me. and then nothing again. and now R. and it comes and it goes, but it never really goes.... i keep thinking that i'm okay, but it doesn't fuckin go away. and that's what messes me up, because i think there is hope. but then common sense kicks in and says nope, give up, it's all a lie. fuck. whatever. i have a headache. at least he hasn't texted me in about 5 hours. a sign? perhaps. a sign against fate. addendum: he texted me about 10 minutes later. go figure. 5:18 p.m. - 2009-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||