silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- picky picky i spent an hour or so up at my friend's apartment with her and another our other girl. they are both in decent relationships now, and were asking me about my situation with guys of late. of course, i don't tell anyone about M and H... which reminds me, i should contact H. we haven't spoken in a while. anyways. i tell the girls that nothing too exciting is going on, that it's the same old usual. and then they both said that i am too picky. that when guys hit on me, i don't just go for it. but in my opinion, i shouldn't have to feel like it is necessary to find some guy to hook up with and the end. i just don't care. i'm not in that place. partly because, rather, mostly because whenever i go out, i am practically always with R, and talking to other guys is pretty much out of the question because when i'm drunk (hell, when i'm sober), i only want to hang around and dance with him. so it just doesn't work out. i mean, i see him going around and flirting with girls and getting their numbers, and that angers me enough to turn around and go smile and bs with other guys. but in the end, i don't want to take anyone home with me, and i don't want to go home with anyone. i don't even want their phone numbers, much less give them mine. flirt, smile, buy me a drink, dance, good bye. it's pretty simple. i just can't do it. and it's not just R, it's also the fact that i'm with my whole group, and i don't like those people seeing me in action for some reason. if i'm just with the girls, it's one thing. but if it's the guys, and they all know that i am controllably obsessed with R, they will all come up to me at some point and ask what's up, and will mess with me about whoever i'm talking to. it's happened before, it will happen again. i know these guys. anyways, so i am too picky because i don't just give in to every guy who hits on me? come on. if i gave in to all, that would be a shitshow for the health of my body and my mental stability. it's bad enough that i am a nut from the things that i did in 2009, now it's the next round and they want me to fuck every guy who offers to buy me a drink? not going to work. i will be picky in that respect. plus i value myself a bit more than those girls may think, and i have an unending soft spot for R that just prevents me from wanting anyone else. so until he is out of the picture, nobody else really gets the chance to come in. i mean, emotionally. or even just my company. not going to work. anyways. M is still very clingy. he won't let me work and he can't be away from me at school for too long. if he has any free time, he wants to be with me. he'll come over after school, this is after 8+ hours of madness, and then come to my apartment to just chill and do absolutely nothing until he has to leave for something else. at which point, the texts are endless. hm. he's online now and we are chatting. it never fails. okay i am ridiculously tired, maybe because i woke up several times overnight. giving up on the fight to stay awake 11:03 p.m. - 2010-01-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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