silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I drink too much. Friday night my group went out and I got completely drunk, don't know how it happened so quickly. Well, I mean, I pound drinks like an idiot and hate when I don't have a drink in my hand, so that could be an indication as to why. Anyways, at some point, R put me in a cab to go home. We went probably 3 minutes and I told him to pull over, and I paid, got out, and walked back to the club. Why? Drunken idiot. So I went back but my friends I guess had left. So I left again I guess, and instead of trying to find a cab I started to walk home, except I had no idea where I was so I was just walking. And walking. And I had texted R when I left the cab, and called etc because that's what I do, and I told him I was lost. After maybe an hour of aimless wandering at 1:30 in the morning, R called me trying to find me, and eventually I found where I was and he came in a cab to get me. Then we get home and it doesn't stop. I try to leave again and go walking, but he brings me back home. Then he puts me to my room and I'm falling all over the place. And he is kind and brings me water and stuff but I don't notice and knock it over. He also gives me a towel after that, but I only know because I saw the towel on the floor later. He leaves because I tell him to because I feel like I'm going to get sick. Then I feel bad for yelling at him so I go to his place and apologize, but I'm still out of it and falling all over the place, and next thing I know is I wake up at 5 on his bathroom floor with pillow and blankets and R is there with me asleep. I tell him to go to bed, and then I get up later and go home to see the mess I made. And so I tell R yesterday thanks and stuff, but I'm obviously embarrassed of my behavior. I sleep all day pretty much, on and off. I barely had ant water and didn't eat at all. I spoke to M on and off, we were supposed to have lunch together but I fucked that up. I did go see a movie with my roommate at 7, up in the air. M had seen it a couple weeks back and told me that it made him think of me, of how I am. I won't say anything about the ending to ruin it for potential viewers here, but it was semi sad and it does hit close to home because I feel as if... I just feel very alone, and the connections that I have with people are completely borrowed, and I feel like I'll never get a break. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't think anything even matters at all. I also managed to update my fb status when I was drunkenly wandering to "sometimes it's better to feel nothing than to feel anything". I don't remember doing that, but there it was on the screen of my phone. I only mention that because people were commenting on it, and I was like WTF I was drunk and that was vodka speaking guys. So that was annoying. I later deleted it and changed it to "i love rainbows" or something like that, to shut people up. I don't know. And now it is almost 4 am, I am bored and very awake. I was supposed to look for a dress yesterday for birthday next weekend. Good thing it's a 3 day weekend. Everything is now pushed back a day. I had zero energy all day. Now i can function. M's girl went to tahoe with friends for the weekend, so I was able to call and talk to him for a bit tonight. I'm glad that he has a self-proclaimed "addiction" to me, it makes me feel wanted and desirable. Even if it is just borrowed. H keeps telling me that "all the guys" were talking about me and my red dress from the party last weekend. Well hell, who are all the guys, and if people are somewhat attracted to me, why doesn't anyone ever say anything to me? I hate that I can talk to all these damn people but they are always so afraid to approach me. I'm approachable dammit! There's more to me than just a red dress and a body. The only people who ever admit their interest in me are already in relationships. I am so tired of being everybody's friend. I want to be loved and special just as much as the next girl. I fear, however, that I will end up being married to my career. That's not so bad though. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but I know maybe the first five years or so getting out and started will be difficult in the love department, because I won't have the time, I just won't. And my social outlets are limited because all of my friends are done, they are all married or engaged. Everything changes. I admit though, I am looking forward to 28. Twenty-seven was a fun year, but the most emotionally trying year that I have had in, well, 27 years. Twenty-eight will be a good year. The year things change. Graduation. I'll be a dentist. Yay. No more R, M, H. I'll miss my friends. But first I have to make it to June. We have some retreat in two weeks I believe, for the whole class for the weekend. My friend who is organizing the entertainment stuff I guess, he asked me to do a dance off with this guy in my class who shares the same nickname as me. He is known for his break dancing, and I am known for my booty-shaking, and so I guess the concept is around that. He said it will be to the song "beat it". I think I'll need a couple of shots before I "dance" on stage in front of some 200 or more people. Ha. What did I just agree to? Funny. I don't know if I practice or anything or if I just wing it? I told M that I'm going to perform and he was happy. Okay, I wish I were asleep right now, it is now almost 4:30. Why isn't anyone online for me to chat with? :( Im running out of things to ramble about... Maybe I'll watch tv... 2:58 a.m. - 2010-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||