silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- do you remember? yesterday. my group all mostly had clinic in the morning, or a few of us did. two people were finishing day 2 of boards, which would be the last of the group that had to take it still. so as is expected from us, we all planned on drinking. nobody had afternoon clinic, some of it planned for this exact purpose. i just didn't have a patient to put in that time slot. and M didn't have anyone either, and i told him to come along because even though he doesn't kick it with us all of the time, he's still my boy and we all love him, and whenever he shows up, everyone loves it. so we walked back to my place and got there around 2:30 or so, to find that everyone is in the hallway playing beer pong as usual, so we join in on the goodness and get drunk. it was a lot of fun, just being silly and listening to music and it was all fun and laughter. then M left somewhere around 6 to be responsible and go back home to his wife, and we all continued at it. i don't really smoke cigarettes unless i'm really hardcore irritated, and so every now and then i have a pack around for those rare moments. one of my boys JK was like 'hey, do you have some???' and so we snuck off and went down to some balcony down the hall and smoked and dicked around. it felt like it was the weekend, strange for a wednesday the way it all went down. then we found our way back to the group which had migrated to R's place, and everyone's passing out and watching tv and just out of it a bit. at some point down the line, we order pizza and it takes over an hour to come, and R had went to his room to sleep, but of course i wanted to talk to him, so i texted him to not go to sleep, but i gave up. until he replied: "fine. come here." so like any love crazed obsessive weirdo, i oblige without hesitation, and go to his room. i sit on his desk chair and swirl around and rock as always, and he's in bed under covers, and we talk a little. and at some point i just transition to the bed as always to talk to him closer there, and he says he's going to close the door and that we are going to go to sleep if it's okay with me. this is around 9, which is unheard of, but since we were all semi-buzzed if not drunk, it made sense, because everyone was falling asleep early and giving up. so we talk a lot and then say good night, and try to sleep. i am tossing and turning all night, he's moving around every now and then, getting up here and there. around 12, we are both up and like wtf, we're not tired, this is terrible. so we give up pretending that we will successfully sleep, and just start talking. after a while, it's quiet and we're laying there. and then it gets serious. he says my name. i say his. he asks what happened to us. i sigh and say i don't know. he says that he doesn't know either. i say that we're cool now, right? and he says yeah. but that it's just not the same anymore, and that he wants things to go back to how they were a year and a half ago, before things went wrong between us. he apologizes for his stupidity, and i say that it's pointless to apologize, that i don't believe in apologies, that it doesn't matter, it's all done. we say that things just got messed up, he says that a lot of it was his fault, and that he fucked up with the stuff that happened this time last year, and i said yeah, that was bad. we talk a lot about the overall situation, nothing about accidental kisses and affection, but i'm sure we both know what we're referring to when it comes to 'stupidity'. and he talks about how he felt like i pretty much shut off and am holding a lot of things inside, and i said yeah, that's true, and that he's not the person i will talk to about my problems. last year, a lot of shit went down in my personal life back home, and it affected me, but i recovered from it, but as a result of the fuck up in our relationship, i backed off and kept to myself and migrated to M. the way it was was that i would pretty much go down the hallway every day and hang out with R and whoever was there. i would come over with beer and i'd sit on his bed and watch him play video games and we'd talk absolute nonsense, but it was the most wonderful thing because we understood each other's nonsense. we'd play and be silly and goofy and the night would end with an 'i love you' and an 'i love you more,' and i'd go back home and sleep happy and complete. and we were a good pair, people would never see one of us without the other. people would ask me what he was doing and where he was, and it would be fine, it's the way it was, it's what we knew. and then all of a sudden, our bond began to dissipate, and i would no longer be around. the thing is, we've had altered versions of this conversation several times. and i told him that i've tried several times to just come over and hang out, but that it feels weird, it feels uncomfortable, and i don't feel like i belong anymore, and i doubt if i ever really belonged in the first place. he said that we should just say fuck it, and go back. i said okay, i'll try. he said no, just say fuck it, and that's it. he said that we shouldn't have to try, it should be easily done. i told him that i just don't feel wanted with everyone else around, that it's enough that i come by on the weekends and that's it. but he said i should come by just to be with him, to hang out with him if it doesn't seem right to be with everyone else. that made me happy. because aside from any romantic inclinations i have towards him, i can completely disregard them for the moment. because first and foremost, i want his friendship. he makes me feel better. i am always happy to see him, even if we are on bad terms and it hurts, i still want to see him. he told me to just start coming over again like i did before. i told him it would feel really forced and i'm used to just keeping to myself now, but i don't want to not be around, so i'll try. and then things got light and i have no idea how it happened, but he started talking about how my arm muscles are big and that he's afraid of me beating him up. i told him that i anticipate us having a fight again, and so the remainder of the night he kept messing with me and moving away from me every time i made any sudden movements. i think we passed some barriers and that things will get okay. i don't know, i feel like with all these attempts to make things right over and over, maybe in a way he misses my company? i know i miss his. everyone sort of is paired up right now, except for us. always except for us. so now i'm making an extra effort to be by his side again. although i would love for him to love me as more than friends, i would really like to just have him back in my life more like how it was before. back when we would stop at the corner store and get 40s and get fucked up and do absolutely nothing productive. i'm happy that we spoke last night. there were points where there were attitudes and raised voices and me wanting to punch him, but we made it through. so whatever, we were up after 12 and got up and he reheated some pizza that he was too drunk to remember we had ordered. then he puts on some tv show and we get back in bed and finally fall asleep watching it sometime after 1:30 i think. things felt so much better and it was so much easier to sleep after we had talked. and after taking some diphenhydramine. always a bonus. a few times in the night, he would move around and put his arm around me or place his hand on mine. i'm sure it was all unintentional and he has no idea that he did it. but in my heart of hearts, he is completely absolutely head over heels in love with me, he's just afraid to admit it... okay, maybe not. a girl can always try to sway these things in her direction, right? it's worth a shot. we wake up just before 9 and i go walk down the hallway home to get ready for the day. i feel like right now, we might have a chance at being normal again. it makes me feel good inside. for the meantime, love is just another four lettered word. M says that he won't stalk me and follow me around much this weekend. i'm pretty sure he's lying. 100%. 10:05 p.m. - 2010-02-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||