silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- life beat i feel like shit. i want to vomit. i failed boards. i'm pissed at life. i actually found out on friday, but it didn't really faze me at all. i'm just overall pissed at the world. i want to vomit out of disgust in myself. i am lame and lazy and stupid and it generally blows. i'm tired of faking that i am this jovial carefree person without a damn care in the world. i am angry and irritable sometimes, but when i am, that's when people like R get all concerned and shit, and then i have to pretend that i am super happy again. all i want to do is have a fuckin beer right now, but i can't because i have to write a paper that i was supposed to have been written last weekend or the weekend before. i want to run away, get away, escape from everybody and everyone for just a moment. if the world could just give me a fuckin moment to myself, i would greatly appreciate it. i love M, but i would need this break away from him as well. i should look into my trip to washington. if i could just go away, leave, take a fuckin breather... but i can't. at this point in the game, it's all about crunch time, because there are no places to go, no places to escape to, because there are too many things i have to do, that i can't just run away. fuck boards. it's so stupid. i get screwed in the first place because of computer issues that makes me wait a fuckin month to finish the test, only to end up failing it in the end. who cares. well, obviously i do. apparently there has been a 30% rise in the failure rate nationally as there has been some change in the scoring of the exam this year. that doesn't do anything good for me, what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? is that supposed to make me happy? oh, the ADA is looking into it... oooh. and so what? they aren't going to recall the fuckin scores that they already delivered. those of us who received that beautiful FAIL can't do a damn fuckin thing about it. so i'm venting. so i'm a little pissed right now. my bad. so now it's going to fuck up my ability to decently write this paper, because i AM going to give in right now to one of those lovely coronas in the fridge just to calm down, because alcohol is my medicine. and because M isn't online right now for me to vent to. i'm on gchat with people i don't want to talk to really. scratch that. he just texted me. it's like he always comes around right when i find myself falling down that spiral of self-hatred. actually, i wrote him an email right before i got on here and started writing, saying how i was starting to feel shitty, and that's why he texted me. fine. if i can't drown my sorrows in beer, then i have a bag full of miniature reese's peanut butter cups on my bed. plus since i love me, i made lobster for dinner. i shouldn't be nice to me though, seeing as how i am a failure and all. whatever. someone out there thinks i'm a winner. and i will one day marry him. okay, maybe that's a stretch. i'm supposed to go speak at some thing for a predental society group meeting thing at some school tomorrow, like berkeley or something, as some kind of panel of current dental students and how fuckin awesome it is and how we are still normal people who balance lives so wonderfully and don't get pissed off at the world and get in the middle of the most mixed-up, emotionally draining relationships with one another, having patients who fail appointments all the time, about how boards isn't a bitch, about how everyone is always there for you, and you make it out juuuust fine... i'm just being a bitch right now. because i can. on to the reese's. 10:28 p.m. - 2010-02-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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