silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bula alright. so i'm super tired every day since i've gotten back. i haven't felt like writing much or thinking much, we've pretty much been thrown right back into clinic. some days are lame. i can't say much though, it's only wednesday. i'm just so tired. but whatever. so fiji was very fun. we went to a village called moala and did a work in a clinic that was set up there a few years back by a dentist who isn't really affiliated with our school, but our school's name is on it. i don't know the details. but that guy was there and he was great, very helpful. i worked three days in the clinic (soooo hot inside there) and basically did extractions and fillings. it was great, we got great pictures of the experience. i came back with over 400 pictures. the weather was perfect, our hotel was along a beach. every day was beach day. people did scuba diving, snorkeling, fishing, skydiving, kayaking. there were excursions and we went to off to some other island where is was all the beer and wine you want included, with a wonderful array of food for lunch. on days that we went into the village, the villagers would make us snacks and lunch and post-lunch snacks, pastries, soooo much food. a lot of fun islandy stuff, i went to the gift shop in the hotel every now and then and bought a new tropical dress for the day. a great thing is that i left my phone and my patient phone turned off on my bed in my room, locked in my apartment in another country, so i didn't have to contact anybody or hear my phone ring or think about patients or anything for ten days. absolutely perfect, stress-free, no intrusions in my life from my dad, no whining from my mom or sisters, no patient nonsense.... ahhh. i'll add some pics in here somehow. absolutely perfect. and i learned how to swim mostly, MJ spent time teaching me. we all drank every day and danced some of the nights in this room in the hotel where they'd do live music and a dj when not live or stereo. otherwise we'd spend the evenings in the pools at our hotel or one of the adjacent hotels. i made good friends with people i hadn't really talked to much before, and i spent a great deal of time distracting my heart with one of the supervising dentists, who was fairly quiet and preferred to be alone, so it was my goal to talk to him all of the time and make him come play with me. i'd try to get him to dance with me and drink with me or even just talk to me. he's 3 years older than me, so i think he can love me. he's awkward in some ways, he'd stand off to the side instead of sit beside anybody there. he wouldn't initiate conversation and he wouldn't smile. i think he's just socially awkward and is used to not communicating with anyone. so i decided to fall in love with him. i painfully dragged information out of him about his life and what he likes to do. apparently he doesn't do anything. he just works. i asked what he does for fun and he didn't have an answer for me. not going out, no hanging with friends. no partying, doesn't like to drink (although i got him to have a drink with me), doesn't seem to know how to tell when a damn girl is interested in him. i'm not subtle. i migrated to him a lot, i'd put all my fuckin focus on him. completely difficult. impossible. but i tried. i think he's cute. he's japanese. i found him intriguing. his silence mad me crazy for him. he looked so much like he didn't want to be disturbed, and that just made me want him more an more. because i am the queen of wanting guys that i can't have. and i'm a student, he's an instructor... but he's not my instructor. so i think he can be in love with me. we don't work directly together. he works tomorrow in a different clinic at school, i think i will try to talk to him after i finish clinic. i just want him to love me. hell, i just want somebody to love me. i am a decent fuckin catch. i know guys who want to get with me. then this guy comes along, like others who i pine after, and it's difficult as fuck. but whatever, that's what i do. that's what i'm best at. but yeah, that was fiji. beaches and sunshine and dresses and bikinis and relaxation and breakfast buffets and fun with friends and beer and more beer and dentistry and appreciative people. so friendly, so warm. so kind. (umm JS just posted on my fb that he's all mine just give him the word? okayyyy... fuckin weirdo..) so yeah. that's about it. wonderful and lovely. i'm watching brown sugar. i love this movie. and funnily enough, it popped in my head yesterday, and now it's on tv. i think about it when i think about my interest in R and the bs of our friendship. i'm tired of being a hard ass. i'm glad i'm not too stupid about him right now, but i'm just managing to control it. barely. i still want him to love me. i still want to kiss him. every day. i just don't want to care anymore. and movies like this give me hope and feed the belief that there is a reason to care. but there isn't. i feel lame in my desire for somebody to care about me. for a boyfriend. "maybe mother told you true, and there'll always be somebody there for you, and you'll never be alone" it's just so much easier to drink. is it bad that i've been grabbing 2 beers at a time tonight? clinic doesn't start until 2 tomorrow. i do have to go in tomorrow morning though to get going on some crap. but that's what coffee is for. i just want him to love me. fuck. somebody. i want to be important to someone. not much to say about M, things are all the same with him. he still wants to be more to me. or me to be more to him. i don't know. it's pretty boring to me. the thrill is gone. i really don't care to initiate anything with him. he always wants to. the sex is great and all. i just don't care, i just feel this void, this pattern, this emptiness. an overall feeling of nothing when all things are considered. i just want to be happy with my own person. or something. well fuck, this entry went for the worst. back to the happiness of fiji. oh. there was this guy there, on the last day when we were all waiting to leave. some australian guy, a bit older. he was hitting on me and first tried to take me to some beach that i had already went to, but the timing was bad because i was waiting to go to the airport. then he wanted to go to lunch, but i had already transferred out my fiji money and didn't want to expect him to pay, and it was pretty early, i had not too long before eaten breakfast and was laying on a couch reading. he was cute, we had some nice conversation for a while. but i was leaving, so in the end, it didn't matter. didn't see him again. :( not like it would've made a difference. plus he fuckin works in fiji. fiji, america... not close. anyways. that just popped in my head. 9:04 p.m. - 2010-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||