silver4's Diaryland Diary

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on to the next?

i have very schizo emotions. i overlove (R). i undercare (M, H). i cry when i lose control (thus i strive not to), and i'm a hard ass bitch when i want to make people think they can't control me (fuckers). i love the way it all makes sense. whatever.

i don't know why i slip. i wish i didn't. i wish i could always be calm and collected and be that hard ass cold empty person that people see me as. i prefer to be that person. i hate to show anything to anybody, i hate to show weakness. but i basically flail my weaknesses all over this website; this is my safe zone.

so MS (a long overlooked person) and i have been trying to jump back in it. we've mainly only talked, had some long conversations, mostly short, mostly me talking a shit ton and him listening and possibly pretending that he cared (for some reason i just remembered about this bartender at this bar a few blocks up. i forgot that i had wanted to go back and talk to him. damn. missed opportunities...). anyways, we've been half-ass talking again, and i do think he's attractive, but he's shorter than me and i'm leaving in 2 months, so the thought of spending time with him doesn't really grab me much, but he seems to want to find some time and grab lunch on the weekend or something like that. so i always say yeah, but it's basically his schedule, because he's the one with the busy life of a first year student, spending countless hours in lab practicing for shit. then he says stuff about how he wishes i would stay around a little longer in sf, and i think wow, you're lame. that shit doesn't work on me. nothing sways me, none of that nonsense. however. i'm needy. granted, yeah, i guess i hooked up with M a couple days ago, and yeah, i could have him whenever the hell i want to because he is apparently admittedly obsessed with me for some reason... aside from M stuff, i could really go for something new. i want a new guy. i want somebody to be intriguing to me and to be interested in me, and then we can hook up. i don't want any emotional attachments because i obviously have more than enough of those (to somebody who is undeserving of them), and i don't want any lame ass labels or commitments or anyone acting possessive over me. i don't feel it. i want to just look hot, flirt, get someone's damn attention, hook up, and go about my day.

that's unladylike. my bad.

i've noticed though that i find it quite easy to just pull a hit and run with guys, and to squash the emotions that could otherwise come forth.

MS says he wants to be like me. he says he doesn't want to let his thoughts basically get in the way. little does he know that he is also a victim of my deceitful bad-assedness. he thinks i'm a bad ass. well shit, i mean, i mostly am. but the part where i eliminate all feelings to prevent myself from getting hurt, well, it didn't work out very well. but i'm working on reinstating that, i'm working on getting it going now, to go back to never feeling. i just... got weak. i was good for a while, for a decent amount of time. it was R's fault, he let it slip again and he gave me hope. he said things that he shouldn't have said when he was drunk, and he kissed me when he shouldn't have, and that was the end of my strength. but no more. seven weeks left, and then it is over. and everything that i had felt before, i will make it mean nothing. because he doesn't deserve me. i am fuckin wonderful. i may be a mess, a complete disaster sometimes, but i'm still fuckin wonderful. and if he can't appreciate me and who i can be to him, it's his loss. and it can be MS's gain, for the meantime.

and M and H and whoever else i end up playing with. the bartender? nah.

i spoke to this guy i used to work for who i honestly don't care for, but i was told that he could possibly work out something for me to work in his office. the thing is, i don't think i'd be provided an opportunity or an environment to continue learning. he can't teach me shit. so i also contacted this dude who graduated last year from my school and worked at a place in lv, but left to move back to where he's from. i hope to get some info on the spot he was at. and then i'm also going to contact this other dentist i know, and see what's up with him. i started typing a letter to send to him before i got myself distracted, as always.

moral of this story: nonexistent. except that maybe i can get MS to play with me. in fact, i will make that my mission this weekend.

that along with sleeping over at R's...

OKAY I SAID I WAS WEAK DAMMIT.

sue me.

i'm sleepy. another awesome day in clinic tomorrow. yaaaay. and yes, that is a sarcastic yay.

11:41 p.m. - 2010-04-13

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