silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- arranged another long day. actually, not that long. we didn't have class in the morning, so i didn't have to be at school until 2. but i had a crazy patient call me at like 9:30, so i had to tend to the damn day earlier than desired, plus i had to call other patients and blah blah blah. so weird thing, i saw d2 when i was sitting in clinic doing lame patient stuff, and he asked me if i wanted to go to lunch. we NEVER go to lunch. we barely even acknowledge the fact that one another even eats lunch. but i said yeah, and waited around for him to finish up some financial stuff and then we went to some new taco place close by. oblivious roomie was at a station across from me and i saw her look at me like wtf after he asked, so i later acknowledged it to her and she agreed that it was weird. i don't give it much thought though, because i mean... yeah. you know. dammit, you know me by now. d2's just off, but i'll play along. R and i, as always, don't acknowledge anything, ever. ever, ever, ever. god, i just don't want to care about him. i thought i was over this. i thought i got past this. i think because i haven't been hooking up with M or H to distract myself lately, it's pushed me into falling into R's direction, and it's really undesired. i just really wish i didn't care at all. and then another part of me lately thinks, dammit, just go for it. just pounce on him. grab him, hold him, hug him, kiss him, love him, do whatever i can get away with (when we're drunk obv), because this is the end, and this is all we will have, from now on. after this, it's over. but what do i say to him? what do i say? i can't say how i "feel", it's already been said. i can't say what i "want", it wouldn't happen. i can't give my opinion and i can't share my desires and i can't throw in his face what he'll be missing out on by not being with me; he doesn't care. but then i think about how he "slipped" and then "slipped" again, and then "slipped" again. and the last time he did, he told me that he cared about me. i don't really talk about this stuff with M. i feel like if i talk about R to him, it's not good. but today in somewhat passing, i said that this weekend was interesting to say the least, and he was like 'you told me about the weekend... or was it something else?' and i said there was a little more (because i had only told him about friday), and he asked if it was about R, and i said yeah. i didn't give details because i can tell when i look at M, i can tell where i should stop saying things. he still wants me to want him. and i do... sometimes. i just think about the nature of our friendship, and it's just not fair to me. i want to be good to me. but anyways, M said that he doesn't understand how R can be so lax and lenient about all the other damn rules of his culture, but when it comes to the obvious issue with the two of us, he follows rules. he's afraid to get close to me. he feels bad when he kisses me, because it's something he's held out on in life or something. i don't know. i just... i have just stopped questioning it, and that's why i just let the weekends happen as they do, and hope to find a way to twist the evenings to go my way. but what do i do? i want to know. i need advice. i don't tell my roommates, i don't let M know the extent of my care, and the girlfriends of mine at school who know about us, they are just as exasperated at his behavior as i am, and they think that we should just hook up already. there was a picture posted of us on facebook today from saturday night, and once again, we look absolutely adorable together. we have more pictures online with one another than either of us have with anyone else. i dare him, i dare his damn parents, to find him a girl who will care about him as much as i do. 11:09 p.m. - 2010-05-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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