silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- whatever will be, will be i saw C today and he was actually pretty decent. when i saw him on monday, it was a little awkward, unnecessarily. i was a little worried that i'd have to have some kind of talk with him and tell him to stop being so damn crazy about this. i swear, we saw eachother several times on monday and didn't say shit. i would smile and nod to him, but he'd be unresponsive. and i went out to talk to some guy in the hallway, and i saw C there and i nodded hey to him, and talked to the other dude, but i could feel the tension between us. but today it was like nothing had happened, so that's better. i still wouldn't be surprised though if he came around this weekend with the same story, pushing me to hook up with him. and i'm not really 100% against it, i just don't want to be someone's concept, someone's false interest. i know that he is interested in me and all somewhat, but i feel like it's purely physical, and it's about damn time that someone wanted me for me and for who i am, not for what i can give physically. i want to feel something. i want to share my emotions with somebody. i want somebody available to me who can make me smile daily, who can piss me off occasionally, who can love me, who i can love. this cold hearted hard ass indifferent uncaring unemotional bitch thing is really getting old. i hate detaching myself from my emotions. i really want to feel. but each time i feel, it goes to disaster. i honestly believe that R was the end of it for me. he was my last challenge. and i don't know if this is considered passing or failing that challenge... it's strange, because i really want to believe that there is somebody out there for me. but that strange intense feeling, that draw, that need to be beside R all the time, it makes me feel like he's my somebody. and if i can't have him, which obviously i can't, then that's the end. you find the one, you are supposed to make it happen. if you don't, it's on you. in which case, it doesn't matter anymore, i might as well pass the time and sleep with C. nothing else to do really. in which case, also, i just sit around and be a playa fo life. which is fine by me. i'll be a successful playa at least. i'll be a pimp dentist and i'll have money to just sit around spending on myself since i won't have a honey to play with. fuck it. i don't care right now. i have to either go work on waxing up a partial right now (super time consuming) or study for boards part 2 round 2 because i'm taking it in about 3 weeks (also time consuming)... a decision that shouldn't be made as i'm drinking my 3rd beer of the night. whatever. i love love! 8:29 p.m. - 2010-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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