silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- catching up this will be long. i haven't written, i've been studying all day, and i need a mental break. the last couple days have been full of drinking and more drinking. and then more drinking. today was a bbq that i sadly skipped out on because i knew it would be straight drinking, lots of fun with friends, but i would feel like a waste for not studying. so instead, i stayed in and studied. ;alskdfj;asdflkajsd;falksdjf the good thing though is that i let myself go out at night and get completely fucked up. so, let's rewind: friday night we had a party in our building for our class. my group knew about its presence for a while, but it wasn't advertised at all, and the day/time wasn't committed. friday morning i ask if it's still going down, and R says yeah. he mass texts people, only to find out that his mass text wasn't working. so he texted me around 3:30 to forward it to everyone. i was in clinic with a patient, saw my phone after 5, which said the party was at 8. last minute? very. so i ask him if he delegated that duty to anyone besides me, and he said FORWARD! FORWARD! which meant no. so i spent my walk home texting everyone in the class to come over in less than 3 hours for a massive kegger. as a result, people assumed that i was throwing the party. hah. no silly people, i don't throw parties. i just attend. anyways, it was a hit, i got drunk off my ass, i didn't misbehave, i don't remember too much though, i think i blacked out a little and flirted with everyone as always, it's what i do best. i told myself not to sleep over at R's, and when it was the end of the night, it was me, R, JG and d2, watching a movie in R's living room. R said he was going to bed and i acted indifferent (with yearning) and said bye. the rest of us basically passed out in the living room. so i fell asleep on the couch, not his bed, so i win. then woke up around 5 and walked home to sleep more. woke up saturday morning around 8 with no indication of sleepiness for some reason. got off my lazy ass and went to school to tend to some lab business, came home around 11 and there was a crawfish boil organized by the school at our place at 12 (the majority of school events take place in our building). so lots of people came over, and i saw the glorious presence of a keg. and so started my drinking at about 12:10. which made saturday shot in terms of studying. also, i have come to realize that not only do i have a proclivity for simple married men, i also love flirting with older married men. there was a dr there who i've talked to before and danced with at M's wedding (the dr's wife was there though, she likes me, we're all cool), so it's all so innocent. but i love it. so i flirt/talk with him about crawfish and work and how he got his practice going and how's the family blah blah. he graduated from my dental school the year i was born. hah. i didn't say that to him though, sounds like a turn off to me. so after a while i gave him a break and let him talk to other people, and i socialized with my friends (i love my friends. i know i say that i feel like the outsider; i still do, but i still love them all even if i don't feel the love). people played games, foosball, ping pong, music was going, kids frolicking around, it was overall good times. then this one guy JR, d2's roommate, he's drunk and we're talking apart from other people as things die down and it's a smaller group of maybe 10 of us wandering around. he takes me aside and he's telling me that i'm beautiful and he likes me and i'm such a nice person, i'm not a bitch, blah blah. and i'm like yeah, i agree that i'm a nice person in general, that's why i get along with basically everyone, i just do bad things sometimes. and he goes off and says all the wrong things and proceeds to call me a bitch and says i have to stop being a certain way, but at the same time he's placing his hands on my face like he just wants to touch me and bring me closer to him, nothing violent, because believe me i would've beat his ass down. and he turns and says that i have to "stop being like this" and that i'm wasting my life and wasting my time. he's like how old are you? why are you wasting yourself? and i'm like whoooooa buddy wtf are you talking about? i'm 28, i've basically got my shit together, i'm not unattractive, i'm graduating from dental school in 2 weeks, so i'm gonna be a damn dentist (pending i pass these damn exams grrr). i ask him what the hell he wants from me, because i'm not wasting anything and i'm not going to sit around and wait for some man to take care of me. i say that i will always defend myself and i will always have an attitude and i don't expect anyone to do anything for me and i sure as hell don't want that, nor do i want anyone to expect anything from me in return. and before the argument and the bitch stuff came up, he had asked me if i'm engaged, as he pointed at my ring (which is on my pointer finger, not my ring finger) and i laughed and said no, why would i be engaged? and he kept asking, and i think he asked if i had a boyfriend, and i again laughed and asked what in the world makes him think i would have a boyfriend. i mean, anybody who sees me on a regular basis like all of these people in school do, anybody in their right mind would know by my behavior that i do not have a boyfriend. so it was confusing because it ended up with me getting very defensive with straight attitude and yelling at him being like no get the fuck away from me, but he kept trying to get closer to me, and i pushed him away and argued with him some more. and he also had asked me if i thought that R was a good or a bad person, and of course i said that he is a good person. and JR just looked at me like i'm crazy. i have no idea where he was going with that one, but again, anyone in their right mind would know that i'm crazy about R, so maybe something clicked in his head about us, i don't know. the alcohol didn't help make the argument any better, it's just fuel to my auto-attitude in the first place. so he gets taken away from me for some reason, which was fine, because i was incredulous and struck by his assholeness. i bitch to a couple of my friends who are sitting on the couch, and then he comes back and i'm like you owe me an apology because you're being a dick. and he said sorry. and i said yeah, that's not sincere. so he said I'M SORRY. and i said it doesn't matter because i don't believe in apologies so you're wasting your time. and i ignore him. my friends are laughing this whole time because i am an awesome character, it was probably fun to watch, this little lady in a cutesy dress drunk and cussing out this tall dude who both couldn't rationalize with one another. hm. anyways, the point is, he was telling me that he likes me and thinks i'm beautiful and i'm his favorite in the class and i'm wonderful or something. the kicker: he's also married apparently and his wife and kids are back home in canada. soooo why the fuck are you telling me you like me? oh, yes. because i am a magnet for married men. this was all still pretty early in the day, like before 5 i believe. more drinking continues, people part ways, i find that some of the crew is watching a movie, only to see that JR is one of the people there, but he's passed out on the couch so i sit there, and then he wakes up and puts his legs on me, so i assume we are cool and he doesn't want me to yell at him anymore. then i start falling asleep and go home and pass out for about an hour, because i am still fairly drunk and things are a little swirly. i wake up to find people around 8, C had texted me asking me if i passed out. then i find out the game plan for the night and the crew (not JR) goes out to some club and proceeds to get drunk again and dance our lovely asses off i love my weekends. i come home with R and a couple other guys. we are all drunk, and the two guys want food, so i say i'll make something. the two plop down onto R's bed and immediately fall asleep. R is on his chair initially, then comes out to the living room and lays on the futon while i try to find something in their hell of a kitchen to cook. i give up and sit down on the other couch, but then R says let's cook something, so of course, if R says cook, i say "yes dear anything you want my love i will make you a gourmet treat asap". so i go back to the kitchen and whip up quite the treat with his encouragement: spam and scrambled eggs. he's on the futon passing out until i tell him that food is ready, and i bring it to him, and we share off the plate (i brought 2 forks), and we gaze into each others eyes and confess our love for one another... okay fine. we just ate and talked about nothing really. so we are both sleepy and drunkies, and i put the plate down and he lays down on the futon and i lay down on the other couch and we barely talk. then i bitch that the living room is too cold, and he throws the blanket he has on over me. and i give it back to him and say nope, it's all you. we go back and forth, with him throwing it over my head and me crawling over him and placing it around his body and making sure his feet are covered. we prob go through 4 rounds each back and forth, and he asks why i give it back to him, and i say that you need to be protected and besides, you look good in white and i don't want your feet to be cold. he's holding up the blanket and i'm hovering beside him on the futon and we're staring at each other. and i say that there's one obvious solution, and i lay down beside him and we both get under the blanket. which, of course, was bound to happen. but why? why, why, why? why do i subject myself to this? and tonight shall be the same thing. he's already drunk right now, he went to the bbq and they tapped the keg before noon, so i already know he's wasted right now. and one thing, i don't remember if this was in my dream or if it really happened, because i was in and out of consciousness a lot after we went to sleep, but for some reason i remember saying i love you and him saying i love you too. i don't know. i don't know what i would've been dreaming about to make that be in the conversation and us being on the couch just as we were before sleeping. who knows. i would ask him if i said anything, but i'd rather not bring it up. so i leave around 7 am. i had heard the two guys leave an hour or two before then, so i knew that his room was empty, so when i got up to leave, i let R know that he could go back to his room, and i said bye. went back to my bed, yelled at myself for being weak and staying over. then i slept more and then studied. which brings me to right now. which also brings me to the fact that this long ass entry is over and i shall now resume my studies so that i don't feel bad about going out tonight and getting wasted and being a love fool for R. i was really good for the majority of last night, when we were at the club. he'd be trying to talk to other girls and it wasn't really flying, and i'd pretend i didn't see him and i'd dance with our other friends, i barely danced with him at all. i like to pretend that he doesn't faze me, because the more i do that, the better i feel about it all. and when he is trying to talk to these other girls and he fails, it makes everything wonderful for me. some guy was trying to talk to me there and wanted to dance, but i was dancing with a girl in the group who sort of clings to me, so i didn't want to leave her, plus i didn't want to dance with the guy anyways. when we got home, S asked me about that guy, and i absolutely love talking about other guys in front of R. it's the way we function now. just like the way i love to talk about R in front of M. he hates it when i talk about other guys, but he has no right to say anything to me. in fact, i'll step up the game tonight and just talk to some random guy at the club, even though i'm not interested in meeting anybody, especially with just two weeks left in the city. i love the game. okay okay, study time. about 2 more hours until i can drink again. 5:36 p.m. - 2010-05-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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