silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- almost giving up day one done. perio was good. i love that patient. endo was complete and utter shit. i feel like i failed that section. if i failed it, i will be completely distraught. i really feel like i just did the worst endo of my life today. i did, actually, i really did. and i will beat myself up over it for years to come. tomorrow is operative day for me. i have to do two fillings. my patient is cool, i have to give him a call and be like "hey, come still, yay". he's actually good to go, he seems good for it. he's a little hottie too, which doesn't hurt. too bad he lives out here and i can't take him back home with me. i digress. today sucked, the afternoon. i really, really, really feel like shit. R is online, i'm tempted to talk to him right now, but i don't know if i really want to, or even what i'd say. i suppose i can be completely indifferent towards him. i still care about him as a person. fine. i'll say hi. oh. and i saw N today, which was a pleasant surprise. he's awesome. i don't know why he was at school today, saturday. maybe a continuing ed thing. i asked R how his day was. he said his endo was near perfect. i am now legally entitled to destroy his soul. so i went to the reliable neighborhood bar where other classmates who took the exam today just happened to be as well. i wonder how much wiggle room there is to pass the endo section. do you see how i dwell on the endo part? the thing is, i love endo. i love doing root canals. it's one of my favorite things to do in clinic. however, i don't know what the fuck why the fuck how the fuck it all turned into shit today for me. but it did. but it makes sense, because as of late, everything turns to shit for me. absolutely everything. as long as tomorrow works out for me, i'll be okay. maybe. who fuckin knows. i have been through more than enough. i'm tired of it all. i'm so fuckin tired. i'm SO FUCKIN TIRED. a;lsdkfj;alsdkjfas;ldkfjsdalk;fadslkjf;asdlfj;saldfj;asdlkfj;s i don't want to deal with it anymore. i just don't. people and their supposed false confidence in me, everything. everything. i'm done. i hate it all. it is all complete shit. in the end, all that's left is a pile of pinche mierda que no quiero ver. i should just find some guy, some random guy, and fuck him. make something decent. because everything else is shit. i don't want to talk to anybody. i hate everything. i am allowed to hate everything right now. god. i just want to leave this city. it's stupid. what happened to me? i used to be good at something. i used to be good at life. i used to be happy(ish), i used to have fun, i used to be smart(ish), i used to be decent. now... now it's just... i don't know what. it's fuckin exam after exam after exam after paying $300 or $400 or $500 or $2000. or $300000 for tuition that, frankly, if i don't pass exams, i don't have money, and i don't pay off debt. for half a second, i had a debate in my mind over beer vs working out. i'm sure you can figure out the winner. i find myself compelled with that overwhelming urge to get ink placed upon my body one more time, the words of indifference and nonexistent emotions. i believe the healthiest thing to do at this time is to give up. who am i kidding? there's no reason left to have faith. i keep fucking up on things. i'm just waiting for somebody to come to me and say "hey, it's okay. everything will be fine". and that person can take me and hold me and comfort me as i fall asleep. i'm becoming weak. i was so strong. i was so strong before. but i keep getting knocked down lately. i keep messing up on stupid things, and i don't know what to do. i don't have anybody to talk to. i've lost it all. i'm doing my best, i'm doing the best that i can, but it's not working out for me. maybe this is my karma. maybe that's what it is. because of the "mistakes" that i have made. because i broke up with somebody who claimed that he loved me but never acted like it; that was obviously my fault. because of all the times i've said no to people because i want to feel like i have some self worth left? because of all of the people i flirt with incessantly, especially the wrong people, letting them think that they have the upper hand with me? because of all the married men i have slept with, under their initiation, as i've given up on feeling like anyone could really ever care about me? because it's pointless. because they won't. what a false celebration. graduation is shit. graduation is nothing. i don't care about it. what is it supposed to be, the culmination of my "three years of hard work" and all this bullshit that i've learned along the way? all this heartache i've endured along the way? all that has gone wrong and i've had to deal with it, along the fuckin way? do you know how much i yearn to care? do you know how much this shit hurts? all that i'm doing is feeling terrible, day in and day out. and i can't do anything about it, but take it. take it, take it, take it. i deserve a break, too. if anybody hears me, please. i deserve a break too. i'm tired of this. i've fucked up, so much. but i've also put so much into this, i really have. i don't ask for much any more. i don't need R, hell, i can't have R. i don't want anyone, i don't need anyone. i can live my life as a lonely woman, but at least be kind enough to give me the career i'm trying to have. take away all of the men and all of the relationships, take away my friendships for all i care. these people don't care about me anyways. just don't take away that one thing that's left in me, temporarily: hope. faith in myself. somebody has to have it. it might as well be me. 6:54 p.m. - 2010-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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