silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patience I really hope I get the last of my test results this week. And actually I only want it if the results are positive. I'm praying that everything comes together now so that I can get all my paperwork in and then just wait some more. And wait and wait. And ideally apply for jobs. This is depressing. I'm hoping for the best. I just need to pass that last test and life will be grand, or at least I will have one less thing to stress about. I am begging begging begging that I pass. If I don't pass, I will be extremely distraught. :( One of my front teeth is chipped, it's been chipped for years and I never cared to fix it. The chip has gotten bigger. Now I am wondering if I should do something about it since technically I'm supposed to care about those things. But actually the way I see it is that I don't care about the perfection and vanity for myself, I only want to help other people achieve the look that they want, whatever their concerns are. But I remember one dentist I was talking to, she said that we should have "perfect" teeth to set the right example and blah blah blah. That they should be perfect and straight and white... I'll go for the white. I'm not picky about myself. I've also been told that dentists are perfectionists. I don't know how I didn't make it into that category. Whatever. So I'm a little bored and waiting for M to finish with the damn poker tournament for today. I feel like drinking and drinking is so much better when he pays for it all. He's cute, his obsession with being with me works for me. He likes to spend his money on me, and now that he is alone here, he's very outwardly affectionate towards me because nobody knows him and he can do as he wishes. So last night was fancy bar, fancy restaurant sort of, worked for me. And I love watching the water show at the Bellagio hotel, and he stopped twice so I could watch it. That show is my weakness. I want to join a gym. I'm wondering if that will be a good place to meet somebody. I don't have the option of school anymore to find anyone. Blaaah I'm bored and I keep picking at that tooth. AT wants to hang out but i'm waiting for M still. And I realize that life isn't terrible without R. But as I laid in bed beside M last night, I felt like I didn't want him to hold me. It's not the same. I don't want anyone else to hold me. That's going to be a problem whenever I get a new guy... It's just... not genuine. It's not true, there's no emotion, there is just complete, utter emptiness when any other guy touches me. Absolute emptiness. Any bed that I lay in, it doesn't make a difference anymore. It's going to take a lot of work on my part to be comfortable beside somebody. Okay I'm ready to drink. Must find a partner in crime. 7:13 p.m. - 2010-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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