silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Retail therapy

I wanted to take sleeping pills last night so they I could just drift and be in deep sleep and wake up slow and refreshed. A nice thought. But since I'm not even close to being unpacked, I haven't the slightest idea where I threw those damn pills. I thought I had put the more important things like headache meds etc in my backpack, but I seemed to have overlooked the goodies. No worries, I slept fine last night anyways. I just ended up semi sad though as I was going to bed, thinking about R and associated disasters. I shouldve tried harder to avoid him those last few months if not weeks. Everything is different now, I'm fine with it. Well, I have to be. I have no choice. Why does it have to be this hard? I have gone through getting over people. I've dealt with the battle of those emotions, I get it, it sucks, it blows, it drags. But this is different, and I can't quite place why. Because I don't sit around thinking about him, he didn't break my heart really. I can go days without thinking about him, and when I do, it's something transient and insignificant that doesn't really grab me for long. I have accepted the situation, I get it. I know that this is it, doesn't matter any more. I just wish that one day he would share his voice with me, as in really tell me what he thinks. Because he can talk, a lot, but he doesn't say anything. Or when he did actually say something, it was brief with no follow up and it would require a lot of prying on my part to get him to elaborate. At which point he would just shut down.

I do miss him. But I will never say it to him. I don't miss the way he would ignore me, but I miss the way he was when he claimed that he cared. When he would pull me to him. When he would pull me away from other guys. When he would kiss me and hold me, only to take it back later and then do it again. I miss sitting there with him and doing absolutely nothing. I miss all the times he made me cry because he's such a fuckin asshole and he can't help but be a complete heartless dick towards me, but surprisingly not with anyone else. Because he cared? Hah.

But he doesn't think about me, I guarantee it. I was just an experiment for him, an experience.

I'll get used to it. I just don't want to care about anyone else for a while. I can't comprehend caring about anyone right now. I feel too empty, I feel like that hole in my heart just keeps getting bigger. Or maybe smaller, like it's calcifying. Yeah, that's better. It makes more sense as to why I feel this way.

I don't know how I'll be when I see him again. Whenever that may be. I will most likely hold on to the hard core bad ass stance that keeps me up and well. I won't show him that I care, aside from maybe a hug. I won't say that i care or I miss. Who knows, maybe I'll be in a "healthy" relationship by that time... But I don't want one. I don't want anyone right now. I just want to pass my test and get my fuckin license. That's it. I want to start paying off my loans while living a decent life. I don't need nor do I want a relationship, a distraction. Especially since I don't want people to touch me, nor can I sleep comfortably beside a guy... Actually that's a lie, because I slept in bed with AT the other night when it was late and we had been drinking, I passed out just fine beside him. But that's probably because I know he is neutral and doesn't want to have sex with me, and he's just as hung up on the girl he left behind as I am with R... Only him more so I believe.

Anyways.

M wants to meet up for brunch this morning, he's doing tournaments again today so he will abandon me. He sucks because he said how fuckin excited he was to buy the ticket out here so that he could hang out with me and play poker, but the hanging out with me part is minimal because all day yesterday was tournament. Which he placed and won in, yay, but then it goes on today as well at 1, so today will most likely be shot again as well. Whatever.

I'll meet up with him, get my papers ready to hand to drs for part of my application process, pass those around, and later treat myself to an earring and sunglasses shopping trip. A girl needs earrings. Or at least I do.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. The end. Shower then I'm getting some damn earrings.

7:49 a.m. - 2010-06-23

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