silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do over M left today. I spent the bulk of the day with him, arriving at his hotel around 10:30 or so. We usually just hook up and go about our day, but this morning felt a little different, it felt sweet like it did in the beginning of our adventures together a year ago now; today we made love for the last time for who knows how long. It's just as well. It was sort of sad to drop him off at the airport. He's the last person for me to say bye to, everyone else was mostly in sf, but I knew I'd see him this week, so our sf farewell was minimal. So today we met up, went to lunch. We went to a park and relaxed under a tree for a couple hours. He was up all night so I let him rest on me, he fell asleep there. We then got icees from target and sat in a bookstore to pass the time until it was airport time. When we got there, he wanted me to park for a proper goodbye, and he told me that I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known. He always says lovely things about me, I don't know how to respond because he isn't mine, so I can't really care too much. I just wish that somebody available felt the way he feels about me. I'm pretty much detached from most emotions about him. I told him today that I had slipped a couple times and that it had sucked when I thought about the situation, but I managed to shake it each time. But it happens, it's part of my life, or the life I've chosen for myself. I'm fine. And my affection towards R, I'm feeling a lot better as each day passes and I don't think about him. I should have my feelings erased soon enough, so that's comforting. Although I do still have those weak moments, but reality negates their existence, so the process isn't too damaging right now. Let's see how well I hold this up. So I'm basically at square one now. All the guys I've dealt with the last three years, they all disappeared over the course of a nine hour drive away from sf. Since I've been back I've been thinking about T. I don't want to, I really don't. But I do. That stupid part of me that thinks about second chances and forgiveness (on my part), and the desire to just bump into him, somewhere. But how do you randomly bump into somebody you were in love with almost 10 years ago? It's sort of hard to plan that. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Good night. 10:57 p.m. - 2010-06-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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