silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time flies i agreed to go to some meeting thing today for our 10 yr high school reunion, like for organizing it or something. there's actually a committee of people already on it, but my friend CH is mostly heading it up. i usually have seen her during each of my breaks, so if anything i just wanted to catch up with her and see what's up. she's getting married soon too so i have to get my FIFTH bridesmaid dress (who's counting?) next weekend. anyways. my point is i don't care to be on any planning committee. i don't care about some, if not most, of the people from high school. i've kept in contact with the people i've cared to associate with. that's why i didn't join the reunion committee, that and the fact that i was in sf so i couldn't provide any input in the first place. primarily the fact that i don't care to be part of it. so in my agreeing to show up today (to see CH), i'm really hoping i'm not getting suckered into organizing any of this shit, because i don't really want to. no stupid work shall be delegated to me. this time in my life, these few weeks or months of in-between, are reserved for sheer laziness. i found out that R was looking into coming out here sometime soon. i had mixed emotions about that. at first i was semi happy, nothing extravagant. and then as it's more settled, i think i'd rather not see him. or if i do see him... i don't know. it doesn't matter. there is nothing between us anymore so i should have no worries or concerns, right? right. and M wants to come back out around the 4th because some other friend may be coming around that time as well for more tournament stuff, or at least under the guise of such. he's great and all, but... you know. we should have a break from one another. from what he says, it seems to be that he wants this to just continue for an unspecified period of time. i don't know why i thought that graduating, moving away, etc would put it to somewhat of an agreeable end. but he doesn't want to. i don't see it lasting too long, intermittent here and there. he tells me that i'll get a boyfriend and i'll feel all moral and shit, and will want to put it to an end. the thing is, he's the one with the stronger drive for this. i just go along for the ride since there isn't any issue for me. he's the one who is unsatisfied with what he has and has the obsession with me. i just think that we are good friends, best friends, and it works out for us because feelings don't get too compromised. but he actually scares me with some of the things he says about us, it's like he doesn't realize that this has to stop at some point. ideally sooner than later. i'm not stupid (well i am but still), i'm not going to let this go on for years and years. it's already been one year. we joked around and said happy anniversary, but thinking about it... wtf? i don't feel bad, that's for sure. i don't let myself feel bad with these situations. but he should. when i would see the girls, M's and H's, i would think why the hell are they doing this with me? yeah i obviously let it happen, i too am at fault, but i don't initiate it. and the girls... i don't know. i feel bad for them in a way, but it still doesn't stop me. my conscience is trying to step in but my heart is still empty. whatever. shower time, food time, then coffee and meeting time. suppose i should shop a little too when i'm on that side of town, since i'll be by the mall and tomorrow is CH's birthday anyways. yaaay another excuse to drink :) 9:44 a.m. - 2010-06-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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